No, I won't have sex with you

I can't tell you how many times I have said these words. Especially since having my daughter. They come out of my mouth without thought most of the time. Very few people have actually been "allowed" into my little bubble. I have always known that aside from the very few people I have allowed get close enough to me to build friendships, they are forever friendships. Once you've been let in, I will pretty much lay my life down or you, that's the type of friend I am. Also if you have gotten close enough to me to be a "forever" part of my life, you must be good people.

Now to the point I was trying to make with the title. I met someone on Saturday. I actually went out for a bit (holy crap! I know). He was very good looking, had been in the service (always scores points if you have served), and we hit it off really well. As the night wore on, liquor was consumed, my judgement hazes just a tad when drinking is involved and I know it so I generally stick with whomever I came with and be good. I was good, I stuck with my friend, mostly. Hottie caught me alone a few times, we chatted and stuff. We ended up exchanging numbers, cool cool.

 Hottie texts me after I get home (it is incredibly late, I am buzzed and exhausted). We text back and forth a bit, I have apparently made an impression because he wants to see me now. "Want to cuddle?" he says. My response " Please don't misunderstand but you can't come over, and I will not be having sex with you". I think surely this is the end of it, I'm already thinking he's a player (I'm a bit jaded, what can I say). My phone ding dings about 3 minutes later, no kidding I had already peeled down and crawled in bed, "Just cuddling, no sex" he says. So here it is ladies, and this isn't directed at all men, but seriously do these guys think we are idiots!? Do women actually buy that line? I didn't. I didn't respond, shut the stupid phone off and went to bed.

I wake up to a few texts from him, all figuring I must have fallen asleep. Nothing creepy you know. But for real, I let him know I have a child, does he really not get why he can't come over? Maybe it's because he doesn't have kids, or the fact that I do isn't a big deal to him. I don't know but each time he texts I have had to find polite ways to put him off. It's not that I don't want to get to know him, it's just that it won't be happening at my house. You don't get to know where I live until I know you aren't crazy.

To be honest most people of the male variety have about a 2 week shelf life with me. I don't get too close, we don't meet the family, you don't meet my kid (I have friends that haven't met her), and when you stop amusing me I pretty much am done. I realize how bitchy that sounds, it's not like I have sex with them, it's just nice to have someone to hang with. The newness of it all is nice, but I have no plans of a relationship anytime soon, and 2 weeks seems to be a good expiration date for when the newness starts to turn into expectations and relationshipiness, no thanks.


This post was more of a ramble, sorry. For You: Do you have dating guidelines, certain things that absolutely, non-negotiable don't happen?

My Friends are Hotter than your Friends

Ok, I guess I don't know that like 100%, because, well, I've never met your friends. But I know mine are the best. There were a lot of things I could have blogged about today: Friday, falling behind (because I so am), or following through (because I completely intend to). Honestly though, I could think of no better word for today than Friend. Most of the ones I will mention are the greatest friends I have never met. People I have met in the blogosphere who are absolutely fantastic people. People you want in your corner, need in your corner, and who you want to be those things for too. So here are my friends, my peeps (yep I went there), my partners in crime. Some are new, some I've been talking to for quite some time, but they all have something very special. Here are the best people I've never met:

Momma's that make my day:

Cari - Bubble Gum on my Shoe
@bubblegumcari

This chick rocks! I mean seriously, she is funny, she is kind, and she always responds when I send her a whiny email because I apparently don't have anyone to talk to. Thanks Cari, you have no idea how much I appreciate you. Her blog is not only on my Google homepage but I also get emails when she updates (I have a patience problem, or perhaps I'm a stalker..shh don't tell anyone). Her post never fail to inspire, make me smile, or usually laugh, hard, while I'm at work. Generally though, all of the above. She is a single Momma with two beautiful kids. Her blog is my favorite, and one that even if I haven't gotten an email I will check Google anyway just to be sure. It's that good! And did I mention she's HOT!!!

Christina - Solitary Mama
@Cmajaski

Like Cari, this chick totally rocks. She has snark-tasm down to a fine science. Don't believe me, read this. Don't worry, I'll wait. (Jeopardy music playing) See I told you so. She is one of the most real, blunt, could give a crap less what you think (which is as it should be) people I have ever had the good fortune of "knowing". Her posts are hilarious, her anti-blogger series is my favorite series I've read since I started blogging. And Stupid List Friday takes a close second. Check them out or miss out on some of the funniest shit you will ever read. Warning: If you lack a sense of humor, or otherwise can't take a joke for what it is, this blog may not be for you, just saying. Though I've heard you can buy a sense of humor at Meijer for $1.99 - Worthy investment.


Sue - Sue's Nutrition Buzz 
@ssunithi  

I haven't known Sue for as long as the other two ladies above but I can tell you she is amazing!! I mean you just don't meet people like her anymore. My girl got the flu about a month ago. It was wicked vicious, she wouldn't eat, or drink, and basically all she did was lay around for about a week. We took her too the doc, and was told that pretty much all we could do was keep her hydrated. It is rough to watch your baby be sick and not be able to do anything about it. By day four of her laying around and being lethargic, I remembered that I had a huge resource right at my finger tips that I hadn't even thought of. I sent the call out on Twitter for help. Thanks to Solitary Mama, I was shortly in contact with Sue who, if you couldn't tell by the name of her blog, knows her stuff when it comes to nutrition. If you have ever tried to give your kid pedialyte (sp?) you know it pretty much tastes like butt, but I didn't want to keep giving her gatorade, way too much sugar. Sue gave me some great suggestions, and then wrote a post on how to make yummy pedialyte pops. I made them, chicka loved them, and a few days later, to my surprise Sue took time out of a trip she was on to message me and check in on Lala. It blew me away! She gave me her email for if I ever needed her (so great), and then just last week asked again how Lala was doing. I don't know many people in my real life that are as dedicated as that.

If there were more people in this world like the three ladies above, I think we would live in a better place. Now not to be left out, there are some Daddies I stalk follow fairly regularly, though I don't chat with them as much they are all very unique.

Beard and Pigtails
@BeardPigtails

Here we have a shining example of a daddy doing it right. Beard is down to earth, has for sure one of the cutest little girls I have ever seen, and he posts on a wide range of things. From the outings they have, to the DIY projects he has going on. It's always fun, and most often humorous, especially the pigtailisms. :-) She is a funny, spunky little girl, and I love his blog (even if he only gives her a quarter for allowance, yeesh).


How to be a Dad
 @HowToBeADad

These to guys, Charlie and Andy, are quite possibly the two funniest Dad's on the planet, or at least on the net. Their diagrams, pure awesome sauce. Lets just say reading their blog at work may not be a great idea (besides you're supposed to be working). I crack up every time I read a post, and now they have a YouTube channel! My two favorites of theirs would have to be the "My wife just said" posts, and the diagram posts, both are epic. If you don't know who these guys are, you are missing out.



Those are my top five daily reads, not to say they are the only daily reads, but I really wanted to share them! They are great! Who are your must reads? Do you have any blogs that make you laugh so hard they are dangerous at work...please share. 

P.S.There are so many others I would love to put in here, but as it has taken all day to write this and I am very tired (one of my eyes is literally closed at the moment) they will have to wait for another day. Hope you all have a beautiful Easter. See you again tomorrow for G of the A to Z Challenge!!!!  

 

Dear Serenity

Oh my girl, there just aren't words powerful enough to express what you mean to me and the profound way you have changed my life. Look how far we have come since that first night together.

You were perfect from the very beginning, and you have grown more beautiful with each passing day. Every day you make mommy laugh, and remind me that there is so much more beauty in life than ugliness. You are the heart that beats in my chest

The blood that pumps through my veins

You are silly and the sweetest little girl I have ever seen

You are and always will be Mommies little princess

My dreams for you are very clear, I want you to be happy Baby Girl, no matter what. Dream, always dream, and never let anyone take them away from you. You can be anything you want to be, a doctor, an artist, a million things. Follow your dreams, follow your passions, and mommy will always be there to help you, hug you, and lift you up when you need support.

You are my happy, Serenity, you are my world, you are the best thing in my life. Thank you for coming to me and giving me the privilege of being your momma. I will always work to be the best momma I can be for you, we may have rough times (your teenage years if you are anything like I was) but as long as we have each other Chicka we will make it through. I love you so, so very much!! Never ever forget that!

Call Me Crazy

I was having a conversation the other day with a truly delightful woman, several years my senior, about how different things are even since I was a child. The rash of teen pregnancies, drug use, gang violence, murders, and some other really yucky stuff that makes my heart hurt. She asked my opinion on how I thought on the issue of teens intentionally getting pregnant, or just flat out not having the knowledge to keep it from happening. I told her exactly what I thought, she asked my opinion after all, let's just say she was less than impressed. As I said she is roughly 80 so she grew up in a very different time, perhaps I should have little white lied it. My mom always tells me I am too blunt, I can't help it, I think I was born without that filter. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. She asked specifically if I knew how I would handle it with my own daughter later on down the line(she's only two, thankfully!). In no uncertain terms I told her I knew exactly how I would handle it, I will be talking to her regularly about sex and why she is worth not having sex with anyone, EVER. :-) No but seriously, we will not be having "the talk" just once, we will talk about it many times, and she will know that she can come to me. I also may have said something to the effect of, her first period or 15, whichever comes first, she will be on birth control.

At this point I am sure this woman is having a stroke, her face was pale and she was doing the "clutching her pearls" move.

Her: You are going to condone sexual activity!?!?!

Me: I did not say that.

Her (her voice is steadily rising in pitch): But putting her on birth control is basically giving her the go ahead.

Me (still quite calm): Umm no, that's not at all what it is, to me it is the smartest thing I could do. I was able to talk to my mother, I told her I thought I was ready and she took me that day to get birth control. I didn't have sex for some time after that, but if I had I wouldn't be risking pregnancy. I am not so gullible to think that if she is going to do it, no matter how closely I watch her, she will find a way.

Her: I...I just can't believe you are ok with this, that isn't right.

Me (getting a touch defensive): No, babies having babies is not right, making adult decisions without the proper knowledge to make those decisions is not right, not having an understanding ear to talk to is not right. Me being there for my girl is the most right thing in the world, and as I am her mother, I think the decision on how to raise her and when to discuss these thing is mine. But bet my girl doesn't have a baby in high school, making an already hard time in life almost impossible, thank you very much!

She left very shortly after that, I felt a tiny bit bad, but not really. I will do whatever I have to do to ensure that my daughter has the fullest, most enriched life filled with all possibilities for success that she can have, and while I understand babies are precious, believe me I love mine more than life, there is time for that.....Later.



What are your thoughts? Do you think I am being crazy, or too "progressive"? How will you be handling this when it comes, or how have you handled it already?


This was an A to Z Challenge post for C......stay tuned for more :-) Leave your link to your challenge posts too please, I would love to read them!!
 

Age of Allowance

 No, I don't mean money. I mean living intentionally, allowing ourselves as parents to focus on ourselves every once in a while. Sounds easy right? As any parent knows, it's not. From the moment my daughter took her first breath my world shifted. There was no more time for my wants or desires, no more thought about where I wanted to be, my entire life and everything in it became focused solely on this little beauty.

Over the past two and a half years I have been slowly realizing that ignoring myself is not a good way to go through life. I still have guilt when I do have some me time, or when I have to work all day and have a late class too. I'm working on it. This year isn't just about me, even though it feels that way sometimes, it's about doing what I have to do to create a better life for both of us. I made a commitment to myself and my girl, to allow myself to do what I have to do to ensure a wonderful life for both of us. I am allowing myself to pursue my passion. To focus on myself and my growth. It took just over two years but I am finally seeing that even though it is hard, putting myself first sometimes isn't a sin. I don't need to feel guilty for going to school (still working on that part), that I should be proud of myself. I work, I go to school, and I mommy like nobodies business. The time that I am away causes me to make the time that I am home that much more meaningful and special. It's not like I am gone for days at a time, but giving up bedtime story snuggle time was/is difficult, impromptu park dates have to be more planned, losing weekends when I have Saturday Sunday classes. It takes a lot, it is tough more often than not, and I miss my time with my girl. Allowing myself to begin building a better life isn't easy, but it is the second best thing that I have ever done. I am proud, I am working my butt off, and I am loving it. I know that for every minute I don't have now, there will be hours later on. Hours of less stress, and more quality time in our lives, a career that will better our lives. It's worth it, I'm worth it.


What are you allowing in your life? Do you do something just for you? Please share.....

Longing and Confusion

Over time I have come to accept the fact that I am not very good at communication, and even worse dealing with emotions. Not to say that I am cold-hearted (contrary to popular belief). I am just ill equipped to deal with my own emotions. Never mind the whole slew of awkward that happens when others get emotional. I just don't know how to handle it, oh please don't cry because I will seriously fold in on myself in a total panic. With understanding and acceptance came a more appropriate approach when things like crying friends or raging family members happened.

I hide. 

Yeah, I know it seems cowardly, and maybe even a bit insensitive, but it's how I survive.

Okay, so now that we have my emotional issues and commitment-phobia all out on the table, I will tell you why I just bored you to death. I am freaking out! I'm talking brain scrambled, which way is up, full blown anxiety, freaking out. After I separated from JW, I moved back home (there is a touch more to it than that, but another time). Like back in with my folks, and I hadn't lived there in years. I didn't really have other options, and I needed my family. My impending divorce had me boxing in the "I'm a failure" ring, and every time I got close to crawling out of it, I got knocked back down. I couldn't seem to break free of the depression that had me in a choke hold. So I moved home, with my wonderful parents, a place where I could be me and allow my heart to heal. 

The plan was to be with my family, finish college, and get a life (they sell them at meijer you know, $1.99). Then I found out Cubby was on her way, and wow the panic-fest that was. I had never thought to be "Mom", I never thought I would be very good at it I guess. But here we are, 19 months later, and I have to say I'm not doing too shabby.

Exhibit A: Seriously look at that face! :-P

Life happened, and I slowly adjusted to a slightly more emotional (thanks a bunch preggo hormones) way of life. Becoming a parent was quite frankly a 24 hour anxiety attack. Oh I was a wreck! No sleep.....ever. For the first three months, no joke, all she wanted to do was BF, like all day. I may as well not even get up for the day. That evened out too, after a while. Now it is more of this, the every day wonder of having such a beautiful soul rely on you, and love you with every cell of their crazy self. And to feel that same way back, only so much more, because you created this little being, nurtured her, and have a whole lifetime to wake up to her beautiful face.

She has the"What??" look down pat

I have adjusted to life as "Mom", and found that I shine in this role like no other I have ever been in. I love it, it is truly the most amazing thing.

Now on to the freaking out. As much as I have adjusted, and accepted my new, slightly more comfortable with emotion self, I have found that it really only extends to my kid. I still feel like a squirrel that can't remember where I buried my nuts, totally flustered, when it comes to the outside world. Imagine my surprise when I began to have feelings of longing, not only for companionship, but someone who would want to be a father to La-La. One who is worthy of being a role model for her. I am at war with myself. After my less than ideal marriage, and then the fairly non-conventional (for me anyway) conception of the light of my life, I had sworn off men for eternity at least enough time to get my act together, and get my baby grown. Even telling myself these things though, and knowing that above all La-La comes first, before anyone, it didn't ease the ache in me to have closeness. I see my parents, I see my brother and his wife, I feel lonely. I want someone to laugh with, and share joys with. I am wholly and truly selfish though, I want to come first to someone, even though they can never be first to me. Isn't that terrible?! I feel like it is, but I can't seem to tamp it down. I should rephrase though, I want my daughter and to come first. These thoughts swirling around in my brain are well and truly driving me bonkers. I like safe, I like control, I like knowing what is coming tomorrow and where I stand with people. That isn't always possible when you hand people your heart, in my experience it is actually rarely how it goes. I fear the loss of control over my life, I think I may still have some wounds still to heal from my marriage. But I'm working on it, and La-La is an amazing soothing balm that lifts me up and fills my heart. Baby steps........I'll have it all figured out someday.

Me and my La-La

For now though, this is all that matters!!

My goofball :-)

Enjoying the little moments that last lifetimes,