Procrastination and Players

I was going to do this post on sexual positions but I've made it pretty far in this challenge without offending too many people, so I figured I would stick with it. Maybe I'll grow some nuggets and do it for S.

I am the queen procrastinator. Not in all things and not nearly so badly as I was pre-Lala. It still pops up and says hey every once in a while though. I mean let's be real, I'm pretty sure today is R and I am just now getting P up. I was doing so good too........

Onwards and Upwards for a bit of fun for myself. I couldn't let "P" pass without throwing an ode to all of the Players. You know when they say "Don't hate the player, hate the game", that is total bullshit. Hate the player people, because these are some of the most insensitive, non-caring suckers on the planet, not forever but definitely for that period. We call that the "Payer Period" it's a phase, and most men/women mature and grow out of it. I am an expert on players. I have seriously met every kind of player out there, I am also not just a member, I am president of the fricking club. Yep, that's right, I am a player. I don't always mean to be, but I'm one of those chicks that gets bored, quick. I don't sleep around, that is a totally different kind of player. I am the type that I know 99% of the time that I am perfectly happy with the way life is, and then I'll get that "I'm lonely" feeling (happens to the best of us). So I meet someone, we talk, date a bit, and before you know it I feel like I'm suffocating. As I said in my earlier post, I don't have time to care about how you feel. I will distance myself, stop texting/calling, and just slowly cut ties. I am the unintentional player. I know it, I avoid situations where this situation may take place, or try to. I don't like hurting people, but I am also not a fake it type either. I won't stay in a situation where I am unhappy, been there done that, didn't even get a t-shirt. Some examples of the "other" players, just in case you haven't run into one, and do in the future.


The Playboy: Generally met in a bar, maybe sober at first, doesn't stay that way usually. Knows everyone in the place (someone who drinks a lot has no place in my life). Hot, and knows it. Rubs "elbows" with all of the waitresses and clientele. Sweet as can be, says all the right things, you want to believe there's a connection. There's not. Trust me, they aren't going to call you, I know, because I don't call people I met in the bar. You want to meet a nice guy, go to the library.


Mr. Suave: This guy is maybe a bit older than "The Playboy" and knows the game better. He is harder to pinpoint. So be careful. He also says all of those things that you have secretly wanted to hear, and you have met someplace (not the bar) that you wouldn't expect to find a date. This can catch you off guard. He will call you for a few weeks, you will damn near be head over heels, and then just like that.....nothing. Some advice, 9 times out of 10 if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Those are just two examples, right off the top of my head. Other warning signs that you are dealing with a player: No public outings, can only meet at your place (he either has a GF or is married), it is always late when he calls/texts, and the number one warning sign - you know nothing about him! Ladies, if you stop and think, I mean really think about what you know about this person and you can't even count enough actual facts to tick off on one hand, that's bad.


For you: Have you ever been a player? Even unintentionally, like myself. What other types of players have you come across, and where? Inquiring minds want to know?


This is all my opinion, I realize not all men are players, this post was all I had for "P". :-D

Holidays are Hard and I'm a Hypocrite

First of all I would like to point out that I used not one, not two, but three words that start with the letter of the day. I'm doing the funky chicken as we speak, why you ask, because in my world, which is the coolest of all when it wants to be (other times it's a real bitch) that totally means I get a triple letter, triple word score worth at least 6,000 points (don't ask about my math, it's Angel's world and that's just how we do things here) which means I should totally get the next 4 or so days off, right? No? Well shit, if I'd have known that I wouldn't have thought all day on such a bomb diggity title. I went there.

Anywho, onward and upward with today's fabulous post. Holidays suck when you're single. And I don't mean mildly like "aww look what what's his nuts got what's her face. Wish I had someone like that". No no friends, I am talking the full on, maybe I should just take my kid and live in Siberialaska, all alone so I don't have to see shiny happy, loving, couples ever, ever again. Did I mention never ever. Oh and here's where the Hypocritical me comes out. I don't want to be in a relationship, I mean I know people say that but deep down they are all ooey gooey and just want that special someone to "complete them'. This is decidedly not me, trust me, when I say I don't want a relationship, I really and truly don't want a relationship. No kidding. I have known for a while that maybe, just maybe my OCD behind just isn't relationship compatible, maybe I missed an "I give a shit what you think" update along the line or something, who knows. What I do know is that for me to actually give a rats bahookie what you think, it takes work. Work that, honestly, not only do I not have time for but really just don't care to make the time for. So I am a hypocrite, I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem. I don't want to worry about someone's "feelings" or what they would think if I did whatever it is I'm planning on doing, which by the by I would probably do anyway because I am just that chick. On that note though, and this is quite possibly the most ridiculous feeling I have ever had, ever, I crave something that I don't even want. How messed up is that? To want someone to put you first and do special stuff for you, but at the same time just not want it at all. I kill me.

My dating ad would probably read something like this:

Wanted: Gorgeous, well-built man, 6'1 or taller. Dark hair, light eyes. Open to sleeping in a separate bed, because I don't particularly like to share my space. Sex when I want, if you bug me about it trust me I can go longer than you (and if your not a freaking stallion, don't even bother). If you're needy stop reading now, emotionally unstable you stop reading too (two emotionally unstable people together, bad combo). If you made it this far, hey good for you. Must have a car, a full time job, and seriously, no mommy or daddy issues - instant deal breaker. If you fit this, and I mean all of it, please call - 555-555-5555. If not oh well, maybe there's a clingy chick waiting by the phone for ya.


See what I mean, I'm better off just being single, I think it's safer for everyone. Hope you had a good Monday. Stay tuned for tomorrows A to Z Challenge post.....If I Ruled the World. Trust me you don't want to miss this one. :-)

Wednesday WTF's

Oh Wednesday, why do you taunt me.

Wednesdays are different from the rest of the week. Wednesday is my Friday, which of course makes it go by at a snails pace. The real difference though is that Wednesdays Lala goes and spends the day with my mom while I work. Lala is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a morning person. This will I am sure bite me in the butt huge when school time rolls around. Anyway back to mornings with my crabtastic toddler. Waking her up is like playing Russian Roulette, you never really know what will happen. You may get lucky, she may pop up and say the beloved phrase, "Hi Momma", but more often than not she doesn't pop up, and she most certainly doesn't say anything resembling Hi.

Morning

Our Wednesday mornings generally go like this:

Me: (In a happy sing songy voice) Good Morning Baby Girl....

Lala: *Rolls over, grabs her blanket and nestles in for more sleep*

Me: (Again) Good Morning Lala......

Lala: *Incoherent mumbling followed by some hand waving and shaking of little red haired head)

Me: (Seriously this could go on forever) Good Morning.......(please note the lack of nickname, at this point 15 minutes have passed and we now have 5 to get out of the house or I will be late for work, again, frustration abounds)

I have been rubbing her back, pushing her hair from her forehead, and trying to gently wake her. Obviously this is not going to work. Time to switch tactics. Lala has a complete, kind of obsessive attachment to her Tinker Bell blanket, and her huge Elmo. So next I take both out of the bed. She raise up on hands and knees and blindly (she still won't open her eyes) feels around for her blankie. When she doesn't find it, the shit hits the fan. Cue the beginning of the wailing siren that will last until I manage to wrestle her into a fresh diaper and some clothes, and she realizes that we are going bye bye.

Fast forward an hour (that's how long it takes me to get to work from where I live, winter's going to be a biatch) she has calmed and is sitting in her seat with some breakfast and milk. All is well.........right up until they come to pick her up (they meet me at work so I don't have to drive out of my way, nice right?).  She is all jazzed to see Uncle "Bo, or Jenks, whoever comes to get her, until she realizes that Mommy isn't going with her. Cue the second siren session. I have never been so happy to get to work in all of my life.

Lunchtime

I drive to my parents house for lunch to see my girl and give my family a little break. I get to the house and guess who is passed out cold.....yep, you guessed it, Lala. She, again, sleeps through my entire lunch hour. Want to know why? I forgot to take my laptop home with me. This may sound strange, in fact I am sure it will, if I take my laptop home for lunch she never sleeps while I'm there. If I don't she will sleep the entire time I am home. It is a bit skewed and bass-akwards but that is just the way it is. The kid has radar, I swear she knows when I bring my computer home to do work or get my email cleaned out, or goodness forbid blog a bit.

Lunch is over, and I am sitting at work, missing my chicka. For the record, I was late for work this morning, and then somehow, with no ones help but my own this time, late again coming back from lunch. I am kind of amazed that my boss hasn't canned my behind yet, I mean I think I would probably fire me, lol. Then again that probably explains why I am willing to drive an hour to work when gas is almost $4 a gallon.


This post really didn't have a point to be honest, but I went too long without posting and am either rusty at it, or quite possibly on the losing end of a psychotic break. Hmmm....do you think there is a winning end of a psychotic break? Breakdowns aside, I just really missed talking to all of my lovelies, all two of you. :-D And wanted to share how fabulous my morning was, hehe. I moan and groan but I have a wonderful, very understanding boss (for like the first time ever), and while my child has developed a very strong opinion on what she does and doesn't want to do, I seriously crack up almost the entire time she is having a fit. She is just so little and cute, makes it kind of hard to take her serious you know. I imagine that will begin to piss her off for real at some point, years and years from now, until then I will continue to have a little snicker when after telling her One Thousand Three Hundred Seventy-Five and a Half times to get the hell (not in those words, no angry emails please) off the table, she slides down and gets stuck (not painfully, that is never funny) between it and the couch. Oh the frustration is hilarious.

Looks a bit like this, this is the "Why can't I have my way" face.

More and more often now though she is learning to use words to express her frustration, rather than slapping something out of my hand (oh...fun friggin times I tell ya), she now is more apt to shake her head no when she doesn't want what i am giving her. She has learned to say please (the word and the sign, I'm so proud) and point if what she wants something too high for her to reach. It doesn't mean she always gets whatever it is she wants, that is obviously still a work in progress. Lala believes that if she says please it is a given that she will get what she wants. Most times it is my phone, or the computer (hell no!!), or some other something she has no business playing with.

Teaching her that "No" isn't the end of the world is challenging, but I like to think we are making some progress, even if it's miniscule. With the "terrible two's" right around the corner (or in my opinion already in motion) it has become even more important to me to teach her things like hitting the dog because you are frustrated that Mommy said no is absolutely unacceptable behavior. That particular incident only happened once, several months ago, but I was in shock when it happened. I truly believe it was because to the pup's misfortune of being the closest thing to her when it happened. That was also the first and only time she has been in time out. I know every kid is different, and I am by far not an expert by anyone's standards, but I can tell you that my child, my not even 2 year old Lala has never really done anything that would cause me to have to put her in time out. Except that one time of course.

When she is frustrated and throwing fits, it generally means she is overstimulated, bored, tired, hungry, thirsty, teething, or any number of other things that aren't her fault. Don't get me wrong, this girl.....

Has a temper to go with all of her gorgeous red curls. Don't let the innocent look fool you, 3 seconds after I took this picture I pulled her off of this big thing, she had been climbing it all day despite my many protests and trying ineffectively to block the stupid ladder, and it was all out war. She wigged out for at least a good hour. Nothing calmed her, not even my phone, every so often she would pick herself up from where she was laying (she threw herself on the ground, for dramatic effect I'm sure) and try to head back over for another climb. Then the process would begin anew, it was trying, but absolutely hilarious. I don't know about you but watching my 22 month old little try to "run the show" and staging protests, please direct your attention to the picture below for a small demonstration, kills me.

This is towards the end of a protest, she is beginning to realize it isn't working, lmao!

So wow this post kind of got all crazy and long and not even close to what I was originally intending to post about. That's what's great about writing, if you just let it come, most times it is effortless. Which reminds me, I am also working on the rest of my Story, I posted the beginning a while ago, and really truly every time I came back to it, I just couldn't find the right words. Nothing seemed to fit in with the emotion and development of my two characters. I think I am ready to go back to it though, so hopefully very soon I will be finishing it up, or at the very least adding the second "chapter" to a story that, while it is difficult for me to write, has been pushing at me to write it, banging around in my head until it finally beat me into submission. So if you are interested go over and read the first part, leave me some critiques, and part two will be hitting the blogosphere very soon. :-)

That is all for me today, yes I know what you're thinking......Finally! I didn't think she would ever shut up. Haha I hope you all are having an absolutely wonderful week, and that your weekend comes fast!


Heading home to see my Lala :-D

Longing and Confusion

Over time I have come to accept the fact that I am not very good at communication, and even worse dealing with emotions. Not to say that I am cold-hearted (contrary to popular belief). I am just ill equipped to deal with my own emotions. Never mind the whole slew of awkward that happens when others get emotional. I just don't know how to handle it, oh please don't cry because I will seriously fold in on myself in a total panic. With understanding and acceptance came a more appropriate approach when things like crying friends or raging family members happened.

I hide. 

Yeah, I know it seems cowardly, and maybe even a bit insensitive, but it's how I survive.

Okay, so now that we have my emotional issues and commitment-phobia all out on the table, I will tell you why I just bored you to death. I am freaking out! I'm talking brain scrambled, which way is up, full blown anxiety, freaking out. After I separated from JW, I moved back home (there is a touch more to it than that, but another time). Like back in with my folks, and I hadn't lived there in years. I didn't really have other options, and I needed my family. My impending divorce had me boxing in the "I'm a failure" ring, and every time I got close to crawling out of it, I got knocked back down. I couldn't seem to break free of the depression that had me in a choke hold. So I moved home, with my wonderful parents, a place where I could be me and allow my heart to heal. 

The plan was to be with my family, finish college, and get a life (they sell them at meijer you know, $1.99). Then I found out Cubby was on her way, and wow the panic-fest that was. I had never thought to be "Mom", I never thought I would be very good at it I guess. But here we are, 19 months later, and I have to say I'm not doing too shabby.

Exhibit A: Seriously look at that face! :-P

Life happened, and I slowly adjusted to a slightly more emotional (thanks a bunch preggo hormones) way of life. Becoming a parent was quite frankly a 24 hour anxiety attack. Oh I was a wreck! No sleep.....ever. For the first three months, no joke, all she wanted to do was BF, like all day. I may as well not even get up for the day. That evened out too, after a while. Now it is more of this, the every day wonder of having such a beautiful soul rely on you, and love you with every cell of their crazy self. And to feel that same way back, only so much more, because you created this little being, nurtured her, and have a whole lifetime to wake up to her beautiful face.

She has the"What??" look down pat

I have adjusted to life as "Mom", and found that I shine in this role like no other I have ever been in. I love it, it is truly the most amazing thing.

Now on to the freaking out. As much as I have adjusted, and accepted my new, slightly more comfortable with emotion self, I have found that it really only extends to my kid. I still feel like a squirrel that can't remember where I buried my nuts, totally flustered, when it comes to the outside world. Imagine my surprise when I began to have feelings of longing, not only for companionship, but someone who would want to be a father to La-La. One who is worthy of being a role model for her. I am at war with myself. After my less than ideal marriage, and then the fairly non-conventional (for me anyway) conception of the light of my life, I had sworn off men for eternity at least enough time to get my act together, and get my baby grown. Even telling myself these things though, and knowing that above all La-La comes first, before anyone, it didn't ease the ache in me to have closeness. I see my parents, I see my brother and his wife, I feel lonely. I want someone to laugh with, and share joys with. I am wholly and truly selfish though, I want to come first to someone, even though they can never be first to me. Isn't that terrible?! I feel like it is, but I can't seem to tamp it down. I should rephrase though, I want my daughter and to come first. These thoughts swirling around in my brain are well and truly driving me bonkers. I like safe, I like control, I like knowing what is coming tomorrow and where I stand with people. That isn't always possible when you hand people your heart, in my experience it is actually rarely how it goes. I fear the loss of control over my life, I think I may still have some wounds still to heal from my marriage. But I'm working on it, and La-La is an amazing soothing balm that lifts me up and fills my heart. Baby steps........I'll have it all figured out someday.

Me and my La-La

For now though, this is all that matters!!

My goofball :-)

Enjoying the little moments that last lifetimes,