Dear Serenity

Oh my girl, there just aren't words powerful enough to express what you mean to me and the profound way you have changed my life. Look how far we have come since that first night together.

You were perfect from the very beginning, and you have grown more beautiful with each passing day. Every day you make mommy laugh, and remind me that there is so much more beauty in life than ugliness. You are the heart that beats in my chest

The blood that pumps through my veins

You are silly and the sweetest little girl I have ever seen

You are and always will be Mommies little princess

My dreams for you are very clear, I want you to be happy Baby Girl, no matter what. Dream, always dream, and never let anyone take them away from you. You can be anything you want to be, a doctor, an artist, a million things. Follow your dreams, follow your passions, and mommy will always be there to help you, hug you, and lift you up when you need support.

You are my happy, Serenity, you are my world, you are the best thing in my life. Thank you for coming to me and giving me the privilege of being your momma. I will always work to be the best momma I can be for you, we may have rough times (your teenage years if you are anything like I was) but as long as we have each other Chicka we will make it through. I love you so, so very much!! Never ever forget that!

Call Me Crazy

I was having a conversation the other day with a truly delightful woman, several years my senior, about how different things are even since I was a child. The rash of teen pregnancies, drug use, gang violence, murders, and some other really yucky stuff that makes my heart hurt. She asked my opinion on how I thought on the issue of teens intentionally getting pregnant, or just flat out not having the knowledge to keep it from happening. I told her exactly what I thought, she asked my opinion after all, let's just say she was less than impressed. As I said she is roughly 80 so she grew up in a very different time, perhaps I should have little white lied it. My mom always tells me I am too blunt, I can't help it, I think I was born without that filter. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. She asked specifically if I knew how I would handle it with my own daughter later on down the line(she's only two, thankfully!). In no uncertain terms I told her I knew exactly how I would handle it, I will be talking to her regularly about sex and why she is worth not having sex with anyone, EVER. :-) No but seriously, we will not be having "the talk" just once, we will talk about it many times, and she will know that she can come to me. I also may have said something to the effect of, her first period or 15, whichever comes first, she will be on birth control.

At this point I am sure this woman is having a stroke, her face was pale and she was doing the "clutching her pearls" move.

Her: You are going to condone sexual activity!?!?!

Me: I did not say that.

Her (her voice is steadily rising in pitch): But putting her on birth control is basically giving her the go ahead.

Me (still quite calm): Umm no, that's not at all what it is, to me it is the smartest thing I could do. I was able to talk to my mother, I told her I thought I was ready and she took me that day to get birth control. I didn't have sex for some time after that, but if I had I wouldn't be risking pregnancy. I am not so gullible to think that if she is going to do it, no matter how closely I watch her, she will find a way.

Her: I...I just can't believe you are ok with this, that isn't right.

Me (getting a touch defensive): No, babies having babies is not right, making adult decisions without the proper knowledge to make those decisions is not right, not having an understanding ear to talk to is not right. Me being there for my girl is the most right thing in the world, and as I am her mother, I think the decision on how to raise her and when to discuss these thing is mine. But bet my girl doesn't have a baby in high school, making an already hard time in life almost impossible, thank you very much!

She left very shortly after that, I felt a tiny bit bad, but not really. I will do whatever I have to do to ensure that my daughter has the fullest, most enriched life filled with all possibilities for success that she can have, and while I understand babies are precious, believe me I love mine more than life, there is time for that.....Later.



What are your thoughts? Do you think I am being crazy, or too "progressive"? How will you be handling this when it comes, or how have you handled it already?


This was an A to Z Challenge post for C......stay tuned for more :-) Leave your link to your challenge posts too please, I would love to read them!!
 

Age of Allowance

 No, I don't mean money. I mean living intentionally, allowing ourselves as parents to focus on ourselves every once in a while. Sounds easy right? As any parent knows, it's not. From the moment my daughter took her first breath my world shifted. There was no more time for my wants or desires, no more thought about where I wanted to be, my entire life and everything in it became focused solely on this little beauty.

Over the past two and a half years I have been slowly realizing that ignoring myself is not a good way to go through life. I still have guilt when I do have some me time, or when I have to work all day and have a late class too. I'm working on it. This year isn't just about me, even though it feels that way sometimes, it's about doing what I have to do to create a better life for both of us. I made a commitment to myself and my girl, to allow myself to do what I have to do to ensure a wonderful life for both of us. I am allowing myself to pursue my passion. To focus on myself and my growth. It took just over two years but I am finally seeing that even though it is hard, putting myself first sometimes isn't a sin. I don't need to feel guilty for going to school (still working on that part), that I should be proud of myself. I work, I go to school, and I mommy like nobodies business. The time that I am away causes me to make the time that I am home that much more meaningful and special. It's not like I am gone for days at a time, but giving up bedtime story snuggle time was/is difficult, impromptu park dates have to be more planned, losing weekends when I have Saturday Sunday classes. It takes a lot, it is tough more often than not, and I miss my time with my girl. Allowing myself to begin building a better life isn't easy, but it is the second best thing that I have ever done. I am proud, I am working my butt off, and I am loving it. I know that for every minute I don't have now, there will be hours later on. Hours of less stress, and more quality time in our lives, a career that will better our lives. It's worth it, I'm worth it.


What are you allowing in your life? Do you do something just for you? Please share.....

Chasing Serenity - Because I Can

I am taking a break from the recent tone of posts I have been putting out. Not just on the blog, I'm taking a break from all of the stress and heavy crap that has been happening in the real world as well. I have been feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, and I have an announcement to make. I. Am. Done. I think with the dino-sized plate of crazy my life has been offering up lately it is the perfect time for the just becauses (yes I know becauses is not a word, I have my own dictionary). So I have spent the past couple days just becausing, and it has been great.

I spent Monday afternoon laying on the living room floor surrounded in crayons and 42 coloring books and one artsy little Lala. We colored for hours. We stopped for dinner, I just becaused our behinds down to Mickey D's, this may seem the norm, but me and my girl rarely eat out so Mickey D's for my French Fry girl is heavenly. :-) She got to play, and have Momma all to herself. I forgot the fracking camera so I don't have pics of our date, you will just have to trust me, it was great!

Tuesday after I got home from work, we got into our pj's and sat on our behinds watching Nick Jr. and ate cookies. By cookies I mean a few Tollhouse and the rest some whole wheat flower, cinnamon, snickerdoodly yummies that I made. Yes, I can bake, don't act so shocked. And yes there was healthy foods in there as well, I would never feed my child junk all day.

Thursday was my off day and I got to spend the whole day with my girl. Awesome! We ran errands, I let her "push" the cart, she felt like a big shot. :-) After we got everything done we went home and played with her ABC puzzle. It's basically big wooden letters that fit into the slots in the shape of the letter. The sites description of it is: Each piece is shown with a colorful picture that begins with that letter, and a full-color, matching letter is shown under each piece. It's called the Jumbo Abc Chunky Puzzle, Lala loves it! She can get all of them in all by herself, it has helped her with shape recognition and it helps me teach her the alphabet. I'm not being paid by these people, I just really love the Funky Monkey Toys store, they have some of the neatest stuff I have seen. I got my good friends daughter the cutest Three Little Pigs play set for her birthday. I am linking them for just in case you are looking for a unique un-Walmart like gift for someone. As I said they are not paying me, I just love this place and just found out they had an online site when I started this post. 


The rest of the week I had to work unexpectedly so my time with my girl was limited, which sucked. But the real world creeps in whether we want it to or not. We found out a week and a half ago that my Grandma had a spot on her lung, and as it turned out it was cancer in both of her lungs. My family has been in a state of chaos, with people coming in from out of town, visits to the hospital, and having to sanitize everything because my cousins boy came up with Strep. If you pray, please send up some love for my Grandma, Beema as the kids call her. She is spunky, and so full of life. I don't talk family here often but any prayers for her would be appreciated. She started Chemo-therapy today and I can only imagine what it must be like for her. Funny how something like this can pull a family together. The majority of my life was spent moving around, Air Force brat, so I haven't had strong ties with most of my family. Moving to Michigan and being so close to them has been a transition. I'm not good with people, holidays are difficult for me (social anxiety) and I think I haven't made the effort I should have to get to know this side (fathers family) of the family like I should have. I think the moral here is, don't wait until something bad happens to realize what you are missing out on. Every step of the way there have been texts sent out by the family, keeping everyone updated on what is going on, all of the texts I receive are from my dad, because very few other people in the family have my phone number. I never really thought about that until now, but it seems wrong now that I do. 


Anywho, there has been a lot of other stuff happening that I won't really get into now. A letter from SD came, he wants to be in Lala's life. I am trying to come to grips with it, my first instinct was to pack up all of my crap and run. There are places I could go, family who would love to have me. But then I think about my girl asking me in ten years why when her "father" asked to know her I didn't allow it. Then she hates me for doing what I thought was best. Can't have that. He won't be seeing her for some time, and I have set ground rules. So for now I am just trying to process, but I will write about it once I can wrap my own mind around what this will mean for her and I. 


I have a story bouncing banging around in my head right now, for the past two weeks actually. It continues to develop, and it's kind of giving me a headache to be honest. The characters never shut up, and it evolves continually, and I can't get it out. Every time I try to sit and write it down, the chaos of life bullies it's way in and I can't find the words. It's a frigging killer. I need to find a calm place and just spew words until my mind quiets. Hopefully soon.


Well happy Tuesday to you, hope you all have a great week!

Who's your daddy?

Most everyone who knows me knows the story of how my little came to be. I'm not sure that I have shared this with my blog peeps or not (and I'm either too busy or too lazy to look, lol) but my daughter has never met her father, not once, not even when I was pregnant with her. I haven't actually seen him since I found out, he sort of freaked out and bailed. It happens, whatever, I won anyway because I got Lala. So long story short, we have emailed a few times but mostly just wishy washy "I want to see her" or "I'll be there -insert whatever date-" that never came to be for some lame-ass reason or another. I got sick of the back and forth crap, told him so, booted him out of my life, off my facebook, he certainly wasn't going to have the privilege of watching her grow through pictures if he couldn't be bothered to get to know her. He got snotty about it, I told him how it was, and was over it. I made peace with the fact that I was it for her, I would have to be enough.

Then some months ago I get an email from a friend telling me that not only has he been arrested, he has been arrested for - are you ready for this - robbing a daycare. At this point my belief in my ability to be an accurate judge of character curls up and dies a horrid painful death. I don't know what to say, what to think. I mean how could I have let someone like this into my life.......he robbed a daycare, who does that?!?! 

She was 7 months old the last time I talked to him, she will be 2 in a week. So of course now would be the time to get an email. Not from the sperm donor, because he is still in jail, from sperm donors niece saying that he really wants to talk to me. Did I miss something? I mean am I caring about what he wants now, should I have to? Do I owe him this for her?

I don't think I owe him a thing, he made it clear in our last interaction that he had nothing for us. I could be a complete biatch and tell her to tell him to jump off a cliff. Then I think, this poor girl has to relay a message to someone she has never met, and probably has no idea all of the things that have transpired. So I think like a mom and just can't bring myself to be rude, I give her my address and condolences for the sperm donor being in jail.

I don't know what I should expect, or honestly if I should expect anything. He helped me create Lala so I can't hate him too much, but I'll be damned if he is going to show up in her life now, after all of this time, and expect me to just allow it with no conditions. There will never, ever, be anyone that is allowed to flit in and out of her life, and that includes the sperm donor. Period. She is and always will be my first priority, as she should be, and I will do whatever I have to do to keep her safe and healthy. Physically and emotionally.

I'm kind of at a loss at the moment, some people just make no sense to me. What would you do if you were in my position?