Oh, The hell with it

These words have been popping out of my mouth often lately. Can't get the lid off something, hell with it I'll get something else. Don't feel good enough to do anything with myself and leave the house, hell with it, we'll just play at home. Realize I have walked out of the house with a zip-up on that at some point the sleeve has met it's bitter end at the hands of my kids nose, hell with it, who cares what I look like.......I USED TO. What the hell is happening to me?! I have been having times more often lately that I actually long for the me I was before, maybe not to the extreme (wearing make-up every time I left the house), but caring enough to not leave the house every time looking like that frazzled chick that can't get it together.

I feel like I am being sucked in to a place where it's all frizzy hair and sweat pants, and I haven't even been putting up a fight. I'm thinking that going out and actually realizing how good it felt to be seen as desirable and not just seen as Lala's Mom. Or even just as a mom.

This is all stemming from several things, the more I write the more I realize (blogging is therapeutic). I have been in school since early February, and I have made friends with some of the most wonderful people I've met in a long time. Aside from all of my Bloggy people of course, y'all are the bomb. Anyway, in two of my classes there happens to be one of "those girls", two kids but has the body like she had none, fake boobies, dark hair, blue eyes, you know the one. She's beautiful and just a bit goofy so you really can't hate her her for being beautiful. There also happens to be a good looking guy in the class as well (if you go in for the whole frat guy look, which I find a total turn off), they look good together. My point, finally I know, is that sitting in class one day my new friends and I were commenting on how chummy (slightly inappropriately) they had been in the class the night before. Kind of ore than massaging if you catch my drift, to each his own though, if you can get away with it and don't mind an audience I guess (kind of skeeved me out). Anywho, one of the girls made the remark that "we" had nothing on the gorgeous girl. I think I may have gotten whiplash with the incredulous look I gave her. Did she just say we? I'm not a "we", am I? Aww shit, when did I let that happen? How could I let that happen?

I used to be very pretty, like if I wasn't so ridiculously panicky in front of people I actually had a few offers to model. Some legit, some not so much, you know how it goes. What I'm saying is that when I was young I was "That Girl" minus the kids, and I had no idea that I was her. Part of me wishes I had, the other part is really really glad I didn't and that I avoided the inevitable chaos. Point being, how do I get just a little closer to "that girl", is it even possible or has my hayday passed me by.

Any of you other mommies and daddies out there struggle with this? Maybe that's why people have mid-life crisis stuff, maybe I'm having mine early. Hmmmm......doe that mean I can act like a child and do whatever I like? Probably not.....oh well, was a nice try.

PS. Please don't forget to mail me your suggestions for "Word a Week". Yes Cari, I promise "Bahookie" will be in there. :-) Cause it makes me giggle too.

Just go with it

Just go with it

Some days you just have to go where the words take you, this post was going to be all about my two cohorts and I kidnapping Norman Reedus (with the Boondock Saints accent of course), Dane Cook because he is kind of hot and can be funny when he isn't being a jackhole, and perhaps Kevin James (the man may not be much to look at but he is funny as shit). Then the day went on and my brain took me other places so just go with it please.

There have been a lot of things, some important some not so much, bouncing around in my head the past several weeks. I have been feeling overwhelmed by school, even though I love it, by work (because my boss truly is the weirdest person I have ever met), and by life in general. I have been feeling inadequate in a lot of ways. Like I'm not measuring up, not to anybody else's standards, but to my own. This a long with a plethora of other things has been weighing on me. I feel itchy, you know that feeling you get when you are ready to get going but your life just isn't quite there yet. So I pace, a lot, and I feel out of sorts. I want to be through school, I want to have gotten aces in everything, I want to have a thriving business. I crave these things, but life at the moment just isn't ready for these things, perhaps because it knows I am not ready for all of those things, even though it feels as though I am. I am hoping that this "feeling" passes, and I can settle a bit. I have decided to just relax and go with it.

Something else that has not only been weighing on my brain but also my heart, is financial crap. Any single parent out there, and a good deal of non-single parentals know exactly what I mean with the financial "aww shit, how am I going to make it to payday". Well friends I'm NOT making it to payday, and this is a major problem. So it is with great unrest, because I love you all (all 3 of you that actually read my blog), and I don't want to disappoint you. But momma's got to pay the bills, and hard as I try, Integrity apparently doesn't have much monetary value. I have never been a give-away blog (no Christina, your give-away doesn't count cause it's funny as shit), or a review blog (not sure who would want to sponsor anything on my wittle bitty blog anyway. But apparently there is......shocking, I know. I feel kind of like a sell-out, I do, but here in the near future there may be popping up the occasional sponsored post. I apologize, but I gots to pay the bills. I hope you will still love me in the morning. Just go with it, please. :-)

In other news, once this whole A to Z Challenge is done I will be starting a word a week Blogapalooza. I realize that I truly do need something to keep me on this blogging track, because I have so enjoyed the evolution and feeling of writing so much. I will be setting the first word a week or so after the challenge ends (I will need a break) on a Friday, and I will have the post up by the next Friday, with the next weeks word. It will be any word, I may just throw darts at the dictionary, who knows, and the posts will be all over the place I'm sure. How that word makes me feel, what I think when I hear it, or even what it means to me, depends on the darted word I guess. If anyone is interested in taking part in the fun, a weekly post WILL NOT be mandatory, you can jump on and off the train whenever you like, please email me with any word ideas you may have that you think would be fun bloggy words, and if you might be interested in taking part. Even if you don't participate you can send me suggestions (please do). I will have a badge made up closer to time. I think it will be fun, so pass the word if you like.

Chasing Serenity - Because I Can

I am taking a break from the recent tone of posts I have been putting out. Not just on the blog, I'm taking a break from all of the stress and heavy crap that has been happening in the real world as well. I have been feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, and I have an announcement to make. I. Am. Done. I think with the dino-sized plate of crazy my life has been offering up lately it is the perfect time for the just becauses (yes I know becauses is not a word, I have my own dictionary). So I have spent the past couple days just becausing, and it has been great.

I spent Monday afternoon laying on the living room floor surrounded in crayons and 42 coloring books and one artsy little Lala. We colored for hours. We stopped for dinner, I just becaused our behinds down to Mickey D's, this may seem the norm, but me and my girl rarely eat out so Mickey D's for my French Fry girl is heavenly. :-) She got to play, and have Momma all to herself. I forgot the fracking camera so I don't have pics of our date, you will just have to trust me, it was great!

Tuesday after I got home from work, we got into our pj's and sat on our behinds watching Nick Jr. and ate cookies. By cookies I mean a few Tollhouse and the rest some whole wheat flower, cinnamon, snickerdoodly yummies that I made. Yes, I can bake, don't act so shocked. And yes there was healthy foods in there as well, I would never feed my child junk all day.

Thursday was my off day and I got to spend the whole day with my girl. Awesome! We ran errands, I let her "push" the cart, she felt like a big shot. :-) After we got everything done we went home and played with her ABC puzzle. It's basically big wooden letters that fit into the slots in the shape of the letter. The sites description of it is: Each piece is shown with a colorful picture that begins with that letter, and a full-color, matching letter is shown under each piece. It's called the Jumbo Abc Chunky Puzzle, Lala loves it! She can get all of them in all by herself, it has helped her with shape recognition and it helps me teach her the alphabet. I'm not being paid by these people, I just really love the Funky Monkey Toys store, they have some of the neatest stuff I have seen. I got my good friends daughter the cutest Three Little Pigs play set for her birthday. I am linking them for just in case you are looking for a unique un-Walmart like gift for someone. As I said they are not paying me, I just love this place and just found out they had an online site when I started this post. 


The rest of the week I had to work unexpectedly so my time with my girl was limited, which sucked. But the real world creeps in whether we want it to or not. We found out a week and a half ago that my Grandma had a spot on her lung, and as it turned out it was cancer in both of her lungs. My family has been in a state of chaos, with people coming in from out of town, visits to the hospital, and having to sanitize everything because my cousins boy came up with Strep. If you pray, please send up some love for my Grandma, Beema as the kids call her. She is spunky, and so full of life. I don't talk family here often but any prayers for her would be appreciated. She started Chemo-therapy today and I can only imagine what it must be like for her. Funny how something like this can pull a family together. The majority of my life was spent moving around, Air Force brat, so I haven't had strong ties with most of my family. Moving to Michigan and being so close to them has been a transition. I'm not good with people, holidays are difficult for me (social anxiety) and I think I haven't made the effort I should have to get to know this side (fathers family) of the family like I should have. I think the moral here is, don't wait until something bad happens to realize what you are missing out on. Every step of the way there have been texts sent out by the family, keeping everyone updated on what is going on, all of the texts I receive are from my dad, because very few other people in the family have my phone number. I never really thought about that until now, but it seems wrong now that I do. 


Anywho, there has been a lot of other stuff happening that I won't really get into now. A letter from SD came, he wants to be in Lala's life. I am trying to come to grips with it, my first instinct was to pack up all of my crap and run. There are places I could go, family who would love to have me. But then I think about my girl asking me in ten years why when her "father" asked to know her I didn't allow it. Then she hates me for doing what I thought was best. Can't have that. He won't be seeing her for some time, and I have set ground rules. So for now I am just trying to process, but I will write about it once I can wrap my own mind around what this will mean for her and I. 


I have a story bouncing banging around in my head right now, for the past two weeks actually. It continues to develop, and it's kind of giving me a headache to be honest. The characters never shut up, and it evolves continually, and I can't get it out. Every time I try to sit and write it down, the chaos of life bullies it's way in and I can't find the words. It's a frigging killer. I need to find a calm place and just spew words until my mind quiets. Hopefully soon.


Well happy Tuesday to you, hope you all have a great week!

Who's your daddy?

Most everyone who knows me knows the story of how my little came to be. I'm not sure that I have shared this with my blog peeps or not (and I'm either too busy or too lazy to look, lol) but my daughter has never met her father, not once, not even when I was pregnant with her. I haven't actually seen him since I found out, he sort of freaked out and bailed. It happens, whatever, I won anyway because I got Lala. So long story short, we have emailed a few times but mostly just wishy washy "I want to see her" or "I'll be there -insert whatever date-" that never came to be for some lame-ass reason or another. I got sick of the back and forth crap, told him so, booted him out of my life, off my facebook, he certainly wasn't going to have the privilege of watching her grow through pictures if he couldn't be bothered to get to know her. He got snotty about it, I told him how it was, and was over it. I made peace with the fact that I was it for her, I would have to be enough.

Then some months ago I get an email from a friend telling me that not only has he been arrested, he has been arrested for - are you ready for this - robbing a daycare. At this point my belief in my ability to be an accurate judge of character curls up and dies a horrid painful death. I don't know what to say, what to think. I mean how could I have let someone like this into my life.......he robbed a daycare, who does that?!?! 

She was 7 months old the last time I talked to him, she will be 2 in a week. So of course now would be the time to get an email. Not from the sperm donor, because he is still in jail, from sperm donors niece saying that he really wants to talk to me. Did I miss something? I mean am I caring about what he wants now, should I have to? Do I owe him this for her?

I don't think I owe him a thing, he made it clear in our last interaction that he had nothing for us. I could be a complete biatch and tell her to tell him to jump off a cliff. Then I think, this poor girl has to relay a message to someone she has never met, and probably has no idea all of the things that have transpired. So I think like a mom and just can't bring myself to be rude, I give her my address and condolences for the sperm donor being in jail.

I don't know what I should expect, or honestly if I should expect anything. He helped me create Lala so I can't hate him too much, but I'll be damned if he is going to show up in her life now, after all of this time, and expect me to just allow it with no conditions. There will never, ever, be anyone that is allowed to flit in and out of her life, and that includes the sperm donor. Period. She is and always will be my first priority, as she should be, and I will do whatever I have to do to keep her safe and healthy. Physically and emotionally.

I'm kind of at a loss at the moment, some people just make no sense to me. What would you do if you were in my position?