X, Y, and Z

X-ray glasses - I seriously need a pair of these. Anyone who has a child knows, when it's quiet, it's time to start worrying/panicking. Seriously, if my kid is quiet for longer than a minute, I am up searching for whatever it is she has gotten in to that a) she doesn't want to get caught with, or b) she is so in to playing she makes no sound. A<----This one is more often what it is. I went into my room the other day with a basket full of clean clothes, to find my little princess amid a sea of my books. All of the outer shells had been removed, she was apparently "reading" 4 or 5 of them because they were all open to various pages. I dropped the basket, she jumped and looked very guiltily at me. Then she did what she always does when she knows she's about to get in trouble, she looks at me and smiles as big as she possibly can and says "Hi momma, I lud you". Makes it really difficult to be "reprimandy momma", she's only two and she plays me like a fiddle, I'm screwed. She smiles, I Yield, and am Zapped by the total perfection that is my Lala. Now if I had some x-ray specs, I could be anywhere in the house and see exactly what she is doing. No more books and dvd's on the floor. No more picking up EVERY crayon in the house 3 million eleventy-seventeen times in a day. Ah how nice it would be to know that Strawberry Shortcakes little plastic ass is waiting for me like a land mine somewhere between my door and my bed at midnight. And wouldn't you know, no matter where she is (or they are, because she has them ALL), I always step on her, or one of her little friggin friends. So yes, x-ray specs, if you find some please let me know. I could seriously use them.


And that friends is the totally anti-climatic end of my involvement in the A to Z challenge. I wish I could say I'm sorry it's over, but I'm not. Lol. I love how it has pushed me as a writer, to think on the fly, but posting everyday is not a feat I am capable of, as evidenced by my falling behind halfway through. But I'm done, I did it, and I can tell you it was fun.......I will not be doing it again next year. Hahahaha

To everyone who visited during this challenge, if I have not already visited you, I will very soon. Love you all, hope you enjoyed the ride!! ;-)

S, T, U, V, and W

Some Tears fall Unending, Varying, but never to Waver

There are some tears in the heart that never mend. There are some things that happen that even time can not heal. I know that seams very pessimistic of me, but for me it is the truth. 

I won't go into the whole story because it would be a book. Fourth of July is one of the saddest days of the year for me. Most people barbeque, and party, shoot fireworks and spend their day oohing and aahing. I generally spend mine with tears and woe. This may seem silly, especially to anyone who has never owned a dog, but I had a dog, the dog, if there is such a thing as a doggie soul-mate he was it. I was there when he and his litter mates were born, I helped get the gunk off of them when their momma couldn't keep up. I helped feed them and raise them to the age that they could go to good homes. But one, he stole my heart from the first. He was the biggest in the litter, and the cutest little pudge-ball you could ever see. He followed me everywhere, and I mean everywhere, I couldn't take a bath without him crying at the door. We had an instant bond. I wasn't really able to have a dog where I was living, my roommate had two already, but man did I fall hard for this little pup. He slept with me, watched out the window if I went somewhere without him. At one point someone expressed interest in him, and decided to take him for the night as a trial run. My poor pup cried all night, and so did I. The man brought him back the next day and said he thought this wonderful pup had already chosen his owner. Me. And so, unable to be separated from me, he became mine. Aries, my boy, my best friend. He would snuggle with me all day when I had to work late nights. He rarely left my side, and no matter where he was or what he was chasing, when I called he came. 

Words can not describe what Aries meant to me. Having him in my life was a blessing. I don't think there will ever be another Aries. I'm not sure you have that type of bond twice in a lifetime. 

Several years ago, after my ex and I had broken up, Aries was staying with him. My ex had Aries brother Ryver, my other little buddy, and they were happier together. I made a difficult choice and let him go. I could visit anytime and I wanted what was best for my pup. I didn't visit enough, it was difficult, and I let discomfort keep me away for far too long. One fourth of July some kids in the apartment complexes behind where my ex lived were shooting off fireworks. One of them landed on the top of the building and it caught fire. The boys were sleeping in the bedroom, and my ex was out talking with his cousin. When my ex realized what was happening he ran and broke in through the front window (very large, thick window), risking his life to save our babies. It was too late. The fireman had to drag my ex out of the building. The paramedics say that it just got so hot that they just quit breathing. That they didn't wake up and felt no pain. The thought of them panicking eats at me still. So on Fourth of July I lost my two best little friends, my sons, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about them. There is a hole in my heart that I believe will never fully heal from the loss. My heart cries for them.

So some tears are shed for a lifetime, sometimes varying in the strength of the grief, but never wavering, never diminishing. Some tears fall unending......

I realize I totally cheated by using one post for all of these letters, but I am determined to finish this challenge whatever it takes. I imagine they probably already booted my ass off the list, but I am still going to see it through.I have been in school and working 6-7 days a week the passed few weeks and studying for an exam, please forgive me for flaking out on this whole thing a bit.

 

Religion is......

Religion is sometimes a controversial topic. Religion is sometimes used as an excuse to do unthinkable thing. Religion helps lift people up, having faith can get people through tough times. Religion is what you make it, it is what you need it to be.

I debated with myself over whether to write this post or not, but I am trying to use this Challenge for personal growth, in my writing as well as in myself, and taking a small trip outside my comfort zone is necessary for that I think. I do not push my beliefs on others, I never have, and while you may not believe the way I do I will never ever try to discredit you for it. Who am I to say what is right and what is not? I'm not, and I never will be. So please keep that in mind when commenting, I know for some it is hard to not try to "convert" someone to the way you believe, but I truly don't believe any one religion has gotten it all exactly right.

I am not a Christian, or a catholic, Lutheran, protestant, or really any of them. My faith is different. I have studied many, many different religions. I find great peace in Buddhism and Taoism, I enjoy much of the Wiccan faith as it is very nature based and I find a lot of truths in it. I am not saying I haven't done research on Christianity or Catholicism, I have. My best friend is Catholic, it works for him. It just doesn't work for me.


So lets get down to the nitty gritty of the post, I am in a quandary. As I have said in previous posts, Lala's "father" is wanting to begin having a presence in her life. This is ok, well it will be once I have had more time to process and it actually happens (because we all know I would go to the ends of the earth to do what is best for my girl). Here's my issue: While he was in jail, he found Jesus, or religion, or whatever you want to call it, he had a revelation. That is great, I am all for whatever support he needs and can use to be the person he needs to be, but, (and this I'm sure will piss somebody off) I don't want him pushing all of that into my girls head. Period. There is no negotiation on the subject. When she is a bit older I will take her to the different places of worship, if she wants to go. If she wants to follow in Mommies footsteps that's great too. I will never push her one way or the other. That is something that I didn't have the luxury of growing up. I knew my heart and I knew my beliefs, I have been studying different faiths since I was around 10. I was forced to attend different churches and sit through things that (no offense) just didn't resonate with me. When I was old enough I began to do what I felt was right. I don't talk on it often, partially because I think I was trained to think that how I believe is something to feel embarrassed or shamed by, and also, when I have opened up it hasn't always ended well. People are intimidated by it (not sure that is the correct word), they fear what they do not understand, and I have been ostracized by people I cared about. So I became very tight lipped about my beliefs and faith. I am slowly (hello sharing on the Internets) realizing that I have nothing to feel shame over, I am an individual, and as such am able to make my own decisions. And that is how I want to raise my daughter, I want her to be independent and confident enough in herself to make her own choices about faith, about life, and about who she wants to be. I will provide her with the best moral compass I can, I will teach her that love is unconditional and differences don't matter. I will raise her to believe in herself and make her own decisions. My worry is that this is going to be a rough conversation to have with her "dad", and I refuse to allow him to push his beliefs on her, or brain wash her (for lack of a better term) into thinking his faith is the only acceptable one.

Any advice lovelies? I know that most of my readers go to church and I think that is great! I hope you will be understanding that I don't.

The Quest

I really enjoy this poem, I feel like life is a quest. An ever changing, sometimes hard and steep, sometimes smooth and easy. Speaking for myself, my quest is knowledge, stability, and to be the best parent I can be. I truly hope my need for these things never diminishes, that though the journey can sometimes be rough, the lessons learned are invaluable. I hope I never stop growing as a person or a parent, there is always something to learn, always a better way of doing things, and always someone who knows it better than you to ask for advice. :-) 

 The Quest by Aleister Crowley

A part, immutable, unseen,
Being, before itself had been,
Became. Like dew a triple queen
Shone as the void uncovered:
The silence of deep height was drawn
A veil across the silver dawn
On holy wings that hovered.

The music of three thoughts became
The beauty, that is one white flame,
The justice that surpasses shame,
The victory, the splendour,
The sacred fountain that is whirled
From depths beyond that older world
A new world to engender.

The kingdom is extended. Night
Dwells, and I contemplate the sight
That is not seeing, but the light
That secretly is kindled,
Though oft-time its most holy fire
Lacks oil, whene'er my own Desire
Before desire has dwindled.

I see the thin web binding me
With thirteen cords of unity
Toward the calm centre of the sea.
(O thou supernal mother!)
The triple light my path divides
To twain and fifty sudden sides
Each perfect as each other.

Now backwards, inwards still my mind
Must track the intangible and blind,
And seeking, shall securely find
Hidden in secret places
Fresh feasts for every soul that strives,
New life for many mystic lives,
And strange new forms and faces.

My mind still searches, and attains
By many days and many pains
To That which Is and Was and reigns
Shadowed in four and ten;
And loses self in sacred lands,
And cries and quickens, and understands
Beyond the first Amen. 

I truly am trying to get caught up with the A to Z challenge. My baby girl has been fighting a bad cold for the past week and it has made it very hard to have time to post. I am not quitting, I promise!!!

Procrastination and Players

I was going to do this post on sexual positions but I've made it pretty far in this challenge without offending too many people, so I figured I would stick with it. Maybe I'll grow some nuggets and do it for S.

I am the queen procrastinator. Not in all things and not nearly so badly as I was pre-Lala. It still pops up and says hey every once in a while though. I mean let's be real, I'm pretty sure today is R and I am just now getting P up. I was doing so good too........

Onwards and Upwards for a bit of fun for myself. I couldn't let "P" pass without throwing an ode to all of the Players. You know when they say "Don't hate the player, hate the game", that is total bullshit. Hate the player people, because these are some of the most insensitive, non-caring suckers on the planet, not forever but definitely for that period. We call that the "Payer Period" it's a phase, and most men/women mature and grow out of it. I am an expert on players. I have seriously met every kind of player out there, I am also not just a member, I am president of the fricking club. Yep, that's right, I am a player. I don't always mean to be, but I'm one of those chicks that gets bored, quick. I don't sleep around, that is a totally different kind of player. I am the type that I know 99% of the time that I am perfectly happy with the way life is, and then I'll get that "I'm lonely" feeling (happens to the best of us). So I meet someone, we talk, date a bit, and before you know it I feel like I'm suffocating. As I said in my earlier post, I don't have time to care about how you feel. I will distance myself, stop texting/calling, and just slowly cut ties. I am the unintentional player. I know it, I avoid situations where this situation may take place, or try to. I don't like hurting people, but I am also not a fake it type either. I won't stay in a situation where I am unhappy, been there done that, didn't even get a t-shirt. Some examples of the "other" players, just in case you haven't run into one, and do in the future.


The Playboy: Generally met in a bar, maybe sober at first, doesn't stay that way usually. Knows everyone in the place (someone who drinks a lot has no place in my life). Hot, and knows it. Rubs "elbows" with all of the waitresses and clientele. Sweet as can be, says all the right things, you want to believe there's a connection. There's not. Trust me, they aren't going to call you, I know, because I don't call people I met in the bar. You want to meet a nice guy, go to the library.


Mr. Suave: This guy is maybe a bit older than "The Playboy" and knows the game better. He is harder to pinpoint. So be careful. He also says all of those things that you have secretly wanted to hear, and you have met someplace (not the bar) that you wouldn't expect to find a date. This can catch you off guard. He will call you for a few weeks, you will damn near be head over heels, and then just like that.....nothing. Some advice, 9 times out of 10 if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Those are just two examples, right off the top of my head. Other warning signs that you are dealing with a player: No public outings, can only meet at your place (he either has a GF or is married), it is always late when he calls/texts, and the number one warning sign - you know nothing about him! Ladies, if you stop and think, I mean really think about what you know about this person and you can't even count enough actual facts to tick off on one hand, that's bad.


For you: Have you ever been a player? Even unintentionally, like myself. What other types of players have you come across, and where? Inquiring minds want to know?


This is all my opinion, I realize not all men are players, this post was all I had for "P". :-D

Oh, The hell with it

These words have been popping out of my mouth often lately. Can't get the lid off something, hell with it I'll get something else. Don't feel good enough to do anything with myself and leave the house, hell with it, we'll just play at home. Realize I have walked out of the house with a zip-up on that at some point the sleeve has met it's bitter end at the hands of my kids nose, hell with it, who cares what I look like.......I USED TO. What the hell is happening to me?! I have been having times more often lately that I actually long for the me I was before, maybe not to the extreme (wearing make-up every time I left the house), but caring enough to not leave the house every time looking like that frazzled chick that can't get it together.

I feel like I am being sucked in to a place where it's all frizzy hair and sweat pants, and I haven't even been putting up a fight. I'm thinking that going out and actually realizing how good it felt to be seen as desirable and not just seen as Lala's Mom. Or even just as a mom.

This is all stemming from several things, the more I write the more I realize (blogging is therapeutic). I have been in school since early February, and I have made friends with some of the most wonderful people I've met in a long time. Aside from all of my Bloggy people of course, y'all are the bomb. Anyway, in two of my classes there happens to be one of "those girls", two kids but has the body like she had none, fake boobies, dark hair, blue eyes, you know the one. She's beautiful and just a bit goofy so you really can't hate her her for being beautiful. There also happens to be a good looking guy in the class as well (if you go in for the whole frat guy look, which I find a total turn off), they look good together. My point, finally I know, is that sitting in class one day my new friends and I were commenting on how chummy (slightly inappropriately) they had been in the class the night before. Kind of ore than massaging if you catch my drift, to each his own though, if you can get away with it and don't mind an audience I guess (kind of skeeved me out). Anywho, one of the girls made the remark that "we" had nothing on the gorgeous girl. I think I may have gotten whiplash with the incredulous look I gave her. Did she just say we? I'm not a "we", am I? Aww shit, when did I let that happen? How could I let that happen?

I used to be very pretty, like if I wasn't so ridiculously panicky in front of people I actually had a few offers to model. Some legit, some not so much, you know how it goes. What I'm saying is that when I was young I was "That Girl" minus the kids, and I had no idea that I was her. Part of me wishes I had, the other part is really really glad I didn't and that I avoided the inevitable chaos. Point being, how do I get just a little closer to "that girl", is it even possible or has my hayday passed me by.

Any of you other mommies and daddies out there struggle with this? Maybe that's why people have mid-life crisis stuff, maybe I'm having mine early. Hmmmm......doe that mean I can act like a child and do whatever I like? Probably not.....oh well, was a nice try.

PS. Please don't forget to mail me your suggestions for "Word a Week". Yes Cari, I promise "Bahookie" will be in there. :-) Cause it makes me giggle too.

No, I won't have sex with you

I can't tell you how many times I have said these words. Especially since having my daughter. They come out of my mouth without thought most of the time. Very few people have actually been "allowed" into my little bubble. I have always known that aside from the very few people I have allowed get close enough to me to build friendships, they are forever friendships. Once you've been let in, I will pretty much lay my life down or you, that's the type of friend I am. Also if you have gotten close enough to me to be a "forever" part of my life, you must be good people.

Now to the point I was trying to make with the title. I met someone on Saturday. I actually went out for a bit (holy crap! I know). He was very good looking, had been in the service (always scores points if you have served), and we hit it off really well. As the night wore on, liquor was consumed, my judgement hazes just a tad when drinking is involved and I know it so I generally stick with whomever I came with and be good. I was good, I stuck with my friend, mostly. Hottie caught me alone a few times, we chatted and stuff. We ended up exchanging numbers, cool cool.

 Hottie texts me after I get home (it is incredibly late, I am buzzed and exhausted). We text back and forth a bit, I have apparently made an impression because he wants to see me now. "Want to cuddle?" he says. My response " Please don't misunderstand but you can't come over, and I will not be having sex with you". I think surely this is the end of it, I'm already thinking he's a player (I'm a bit jaded, what can I say). My phone ding dings about 3 minutes later, no kidding I had already peeled down and crawled in bed, "Just cuddling, no sex" he says. So here it is ladies, and this isn't directed at all men, but seriously do these guys think we are idiots!? Do women actually buy that line? I didn't. I didn't respond, shut the stupid phone off and went to bed.

I wake up to a few texts from him, all figuring I must have fallen asleep. Nothing creepy you know. But for real, I let him know I have a child, does he really not get why he can't come over? Maybe it's because he doesn't have kids, or the fact that I do isn't a big deal to him. I don't know but each time he texts I have had to find polite ways to put him off. It's not that I don't want to get to know him, it's just that it won't be happening at my house. You don't get to know where I live until I know you aren't crazy.

To be honest most people of the male variety have about a 2 week shelf life with me. I don't get too close, we don't meet the family, you don't meet my kid (I have friends that haven't met her), and when you stop amusing me I pretty much am done. I realize how bitchy that sounds, it's not like I have sex with them, it's just nice to have someone to hang with. The newness of it all is nice, but I have no plans of a relationship anytime soon, and 2 weeks seems to be a good expiration date for when the newness starts to turn into expectations and relationshipiness, no thanks.


This post was more of a ramble, sorry. For You: Do you have dating guidelines, certain things that absolutely, non-negotiable don't happen?