Greatness

First I would like to say, this is my 100th post!! Woot Woot!!

When I was young someone told me that I was destined to "do great things". At the time I didn't really understand. I was young enough that greatness generally meant fame or money, or both. I was old enough though to understand that greatness was an amazing thing, but I didn't fully understand why this person would think I was to do great things. Growing up I never thought much of myself, it was/is something I still struggle with. I don't look in the mirror and think "Oh my, you are stunning", I don't wake up and think "today I will change the world. Usually my first thought in the morning is the same thought I had almost my entire childhood, "just five more minutes" right before I close my eyes and sleep for another ten. :-)

As I have grown, matured, had a child, the meaning of greatness has taken a more solid definition in my mind. Greatness has nothing to do with fame or fortune, it has nothing to do with inventing "the next big thing". Greatness is simple, and we all have the potential for greatness. Greatness to me is having a profound effect on another person or thing. Positively affecting that person, or taking an active role in a cause, no matter if you have money or just time to give. My daughter is, in my eyes, not only destined for greatness she has already achieved it. She has changed my life in so many ways, all for the better, and all extremely profound. I learn about myself everyday I spend with her. The more she grows, the more I grow. She makes me want to be a better person. She gave me the courage to follow my dream, a dream that will undoubtedly lead me to greatness. Not major, headline greatness, but greatness all the same. What I am currently studying, and the techniques I have chosen to specialize in are very specific. The main is to help people, I want to help them so that they can heal themselves, but my specialty will be helping people who live and deal with constant debilitating pain as I have watched my mother suffer for so many years. The kind of pain that keeps you from getting out of bed in the morning, the kind that drives you to depression or worse, the kind that the doctor either tells you it's all in your head (personal experience) or gives you so many pills, with so many side effects that you then have to take more pills to counteract them. That is no way to live.

I plan on volunteering some of my time, once I graduate and have gone through the Oncology massage program, to cancer patients going through Chemo and Radiation. This will be my greatness. Giving of myself, giving of my time, and giving of my heart to help these people lead a happier more pain free life. I have every intention on opening my own Holistic center for better health. I want to offer an alternative to "traditional" medicine. There is a time and place for "traditional" medicine, I truly believe that, I can not mend a broken bone. But I also know that there is a growing place for Homeopathy and Holistic living, and that will be my greatness, that will hopefully be the legacy I leave.

How about you? What is your greatness, big or small? How do you feel about Holistics and Homeopathy? Would you be open to trying an herbal approach rather than just accepting a prescription? I would love to hear your opinions!

I can't find the off button on my brain

I have been staring at this blank screen for three days now, the blinking cursor taunting me the entire time. Usually I suffer from not knowing really what to post about, not so much this time. There are a million and two things taking up my brain at the moment, and sorting through them is taking a lot of effort. I have at least 5 posts worth of stuff swirling around, choosing one and not letting the one post be all crazy talk and rambles is becoming a source of stress at this point. So I am officially saying screw it, I am going to sit here and type, and if it is jumbled and rambly I'm sorry in advance. Too much going on, too little time to actually write.

Withdrawal is an uber-biatch. I have never gone through it before, I had no idea what was happening to me. Why am I going through withdrawal you ask. Not because I'm addicted to crack or anything, promise. That would actually make sense. Nope, I am going through withdrawal from a medicine that was supposed to help my Fybro. It wasn't overly helpful with the pain, but what it was doing was making me wobbly and kept me in a constant fog. I wasn't really aware it was happening, as I said I was in a fog. When I would feel so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open, even and especially when driving. Oh yeah, fun stuff. I would be driving home and would be struggling to keep my eyes open, fighting to slough off the exhaustion, and every time it happened I would make some excuse. I wasn't getting enough sleep, I needed to rest during the day sometime. I explained it away until three weeks ago. Shit got real bad, real fast.

I was helping a friend at her house, I had been going over there after work to help with getting the house tidied up. The last evening we were there I was just exhausted, I said my goodbyes and went out the back to head home. Guess who fell down the deck stairs, landed on the lawnmower and knocked herself out? Yep, me. I stumbled and it was over, I come to and hear my friend hollering at his girl to call 911. No thank you. I drag myself off the ground, to prove that 911 is by far not necessary, they drive me home and wake me every two hours after. I had a concussion, I knew I did, so I call my mom and tell her what's up and that I am thinking I am not making work. She is LIVID, like I jumped off the damn deck. She's not mad that I fell, that would be ridiculous, she is mad that I decided not to go to the hospital. Oh let me tell you, I heard it for 2 days. Finally on Wednesday I caved and went. Super fun! X-rays and tests and blah blah blah. I have severe contusions on my leg and my brain, a sprained hip, and a pulled muscle in my side, fan-freaking-tastic.

Ok, now fast-forward a few days. I don't need to be told I had no business working, I know this, but I also know diapers don't pay for themselves and until I find a sugar-daddy (holla) or a money tree, momma's got to work.  I head off to work, still feeling cruddy but dang determined to make it through regardless. I sit at my desk and can't keep my eyes open, I'm talking I wake up twice without even realizing I fell asleep. I decide to take some good advice and go home. I get in the car (stupid, stupid, stupid), and begin the hour long trek back home. I was SO close! I only had like 5-10 miles to go and I would have been safe. *Sigh* No such luck. Sitting at a traffic light, behind a very nice SUV mind you, I doze off. My foot slips off the brake pedal, and I hit the guy in front of me. Oh Shit, what just happened?!? The guy behind me rams me, pushing me into the guy in front of me a second time, oh it sucked. Police, fire dept, ambulance, everybody comes flooding in, I am being interrogated. Am I drunk: No, Am I on drugs: no, just what I am supposed to be on, the heavier stuff I don't take until I am home. Do I realize that the medication I am on says not to drive: No (Oh I am hysterical). Do you realize I could take you to jail for driving under the influence of a mind-altering drug? Say WTF?!? Mind altering? It's fybro medicine, this isn't supposed to be happening! I am so sorry, I didn't know. What if I had had my daughter in the car, oh jesus I could have killed someone. At this point we are talking full on panic, I am flipping out so bad I think they felt sorry for me. I didn't go to jail, thank goodness. There is minimal damage to all cars, and nobody was hurt. It could have been so much worse!

So long story......... well slightly less long, I stopped taking the medicine. I didn't wean myself, I just stopped. I refuse to take something that does that to me. Now I get to go through withdrawal. Let me tell you, it blows! I had no idea what was happening, I kind of thought I was losing it to be honest. Bone deep pain, no appetite and can't keep down what I do eat, shaky, can't focus, and worst of all there is no escaping it. Nothing helps. I feel like a flipping crack head, I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to hide until it passes. Just the act of getting up and being mom or going to work has been a struggle. I will never, EVER take anything that can do this to me, ever again.

Moral of the story:

Just say no to prescription drugs, or at least make sure you know everything about it before you take them. I thought I had done sufficient research, I was wrong.  Don't be me, don't let your wake up call involve the sound of crunching metal.

I don't know how long withdrawal lasts, but I know sitting here writing this has taken me weeks, focusing is a chore at the moment. I will be back around as soon as I can be. Miss my peoples!!!!