I can't find the off button on my brain

I have been staring at this blank screen for three days now, the blinking cursor taunting me the entire time. Usually I suffer from not knowing really what to post about, not so much this time. There are a million and two things taking up my brain at the moment, and sorting through them is taking a lot of effort. I have at least 5 posts worth of stuff swirling around, choosing one and not letting the one post be all crazy talk and rambles is becoming a source of stress at this point. So I am officially saying screw it, I am going to sit here and type, and if it is jumbled and rambly I'm sorry in advance. Too much going on, too little time to actually write.

Withdrawal is an uber-biatch. I have never gone through it before, I had no idea what was happening to me. Why am I going through withdrawal you ask. Not because I'm addicted to crack or anything, promise. That would actually make sense. Nope, I am going through withdrawal from a medicine that was supposed to help my Fybro. It wasn't overly helpful with the pain, but what it was doing was making me wobbly and kept me in a constant fog. I wasn't really aware it was happening, as I said I was in a fog. When I would feel so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open, even and especially when driving. Oh yeah, fun stuff. I would be driving home and would be struggling to keep my eyes open, fighting to slough off the exhaustion, and every time it happened I would make some excuse. I wasn't getting enough sleep, I needed to rest during the day sometime. I explained it away until three weeks ago. Shit got real bad, real fast.

I was helping a friend at her house, I had been going over there after work to help with getting the house tidied up. The last evening we were there I was just exhausted, I said my goodbyes and went out the back to head home. Guess who fell down the deck stairs, landed on the lawnmower and knocked herself out? Yep, me. I stumbled and it was over, I come to and hear my friend hollering at his girl to call 911. No thank you. I drag myself off the ground, to prove that 911 is by far not necessary, they drive me home and wake me every two hours after. I had a concussion, I knew I did, so I call my mom and tell her what's up and that I am thinking I am not making work. She is LIVID, like I jumped off the damn deck. She's not mad that I fell, that would be ridiculous, she is mad that I decided not to go to the hospital. Oh let me tell you, I heard it for 2 days. Finally on Wednesday I caved and went. Super fun! X-rays and tests and blah blah blah. I have severe contusions on my leg and my brain, a sprained hip, and a pulled muscle in my side, fan-freaking-tastic.

Ok, now fast-forward a few days. I don't need to be told I had no business working, I know this, but I also know diapers don't pay for themselves and until I find a sugar-daddy (holla) or a money tree, momma's got to work.  I head off to work, still feeling cruddy but dang determined to make it through regardless. I sit at my desk and can't keep my eyes open, I'm talking I wake up twice without even realizing I fell asleep. I decide to take some good advice and go home. I get in the car (stupid, stupid, stupid), and begin the hour long trek back home. I was SO close! I only had like 5-10 miles to go and I would have been safe. *Sigh* No such luck. Sitting at a traffic light, behind a very nice SUV mind you, I doze off. My foot slips off the brake pedal, and I hit the guy in front of me. Oh Shit, what just happened?!? The guy behind me rams me, pushing me into the guy in front of me a second time, oh it sucked. Police, fire dept, ambulance, everybody comes flooding in, I am being interrogated. Am I drunk: No, Am I on drugs: no, just what I am supposed to be on, the heavier stuff I don't take until I am home. Do I realize that the medication I am on says not to drive: No (Oh I am hysterical). Do you realize I could take you to jail for driving under the influence of a mind-altering drug? Say WTF?!? Mind altering? It's fybro medicine, this isn't supposed to be happening! I am so sorry, I didn't know. What if I had had my daughter in the car, oh jesus I could have killed someone. At this point we are talking full on panic, I am flipping out so bad I think they felt sorry for me. I didn't go to jail, thank goodness. There is minimal damage to all cars, and nobody was hurt. It could have been so much worse!

So long story......... well slightly less long, I stopped taking the medicine. I didn't wean myself, I just stopped. I refuse to take something that does that to me. Now I get to go through withdrawal. Let me tell you, it blows! I had no idea what was happening, I kind of thought I was losing it to be honest. Bone deep pain, no appetite and can't keep down what I do eat, shaky, can't focus, and worst of all there is no escaping it. Nothing helps. I feel like a flipping crack head, I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to hide until it passes. Just the act of getting up and being mom or going to work has been a struggle. I will never, EVER take anything that can do this to me, ever again.

Moral of the story:

Just say no to prescription drugs, or at least make sure you know everything about it before you take them. I thought I had done sufficient research, I was wrong.  Don't be me, don't let your wake up call involve the sound of crunching metal.

I don't know how long withdrawal lasts, but I know sitting here writing this has taken me weeks, focusing is a chore at the moment. I will be back around as soon as I can be. Miss my peoples!!!!

Paging Dr. Dick

I have Fybromyalgia. I don't talk about it much, here or in real life, because I won't allow it to define me. Every once in a while though (more often than I like) this disease affects me and the way I am able to live my life. I hate it, and most days I ignore it. Some days though, like "Dr." days it becomes hard to ignore. I had a doctors appointment last Wednesday, and I wasn't able to see my regular doc, I had to see his son. His son is a partner in the practice, and according to the rest of my family that has seen him, he is much nicer. Yeah not so much. I have serious anxiety over going to the doctor, I mean to the point that aside from a few necessary trips to the E.R. and an urgent care, I hadn't been to the doctor in about six years, maybe more. They make me nervous, they always want to poke you with needles, and from my experience they are mostly idiots. Well I have to say Dr. Dick didn't disappoint. He was not only an idiot, but an arrogant one, double whammy. Here is a shaved down version of how the appointment went.

Dr. D: (After the initial "hi, how are you's" he looks at Serenity) Do you have more children?

Me: No, she is my only one.

Dr. D: Are you married?

Me: No, I'm a single mom *Pause*  Does that matter??

Dr. D: Yes, it does. *Looks down his nose at me*

Me: Why?

Dr. D: *All types of sarcastic* It's called taking a social history (yeah that totally explained it asshole)

Dr. D: Do you drink or smoke?

Me: No..(now I was getting ready to say that I don't drink, but that I did smoke a little, trying to quit).

Dr. D: *Overly loud, condescending tone* You don't smoke?!?

Me: Yes I do, but I am working on quitting. I don't drink though.

Dr. D: *Still condescending* Not even socially?!?!?!

Me: Ummm, no I don't. --I am getting put-out at this point, because I thought for sure that we had just established that I was a single, working parent. Who has time to go out and drink??? Besides that, I really thought this was an appointment to talk about getting my Fibro back on track, not to discuss my personal life. 

Dr. D: Do you do drugs? (he is asking all of these questions while wrenching my head from side to side, really nice experience)

Me: No, I have a child, and I wouldn't anyway. (I stop and think) I take what your father has prescribed me.

Dr. D -who now has a stethoscope in his ears, shoves the listening end in my face and says: WHAT?

Me - *Deep, cleansing breath* I take the Motrin and the cyclobenzaprine that he gave me.

Dr. D nods and continues to not really listen to what I have to say. This is where it really gets good. Dr. Dick proceeds to tell me that there isn't really anything wrong with me, that he thinks my pain stems from a combination of my Fibro and the stress of being a single mom............my jaw hit the floor. I'm sure you didn't just say what it sounded like you said....surely. I have never been more offended at the doctor than I was at that moment. His little student assistant guy even looked at him funny. I realize that lifting her and carrying her can put some physical strain on my body, but it would surely be that way whether I was married or single. I wanted to deck him. Then I tell him I don't like the cyclobenzaprine, it is too sedating at times, makes it hard to sleep others, and doesn't help the muscle spasms which is why it was prescribed. He tells me that he will write me a script for a lower dosage. At this point I am so upset that all I can think about is getting out of his office. He didn't come back, he sent his student to give me the scripts and the note to go have x-rays done. X-rays I don't need mind you. I know that there is no curve in my neck, that there is arthritis in there as well. I also know that the root of my problem lies in my muscles, which an x-ray won't see. That's where he wants to start, apparently I was under the mistaken impression that my insurance paid for MRI's and things of that nature(which they do) but you would totally think it was coming out of his pocket by the way he acted when I expressed a desire to have one done. I have to have his request for my insurance to pay for it though, so here I am jumping through more hoops, when all I want to do is get a better picture of what is going on, that way I can make some progress to fix it. An MRI would help my Chiropractor as well, but since he isn't my primary doctor it doesn't matter if he thinks I should have one done.

Going to the doctor is incredibly frustrating sometimes, I sometimes wish I could just have bionic parts and call it a day. But alas, I imagine robot-Angel  may be frowned upon just a bit. Who knows.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!!