S, T, U, V, and W

Some Tears fall Unending, Varying, but never to Waver

There are some tears in the heart that never mend. There are some things that happen that even time can not heal. I know that seams very pessimistic of me, but for me it is the truth. 

I won't go into the whole story because it would be a book. Fourth of July is one of the saddest days of the year for me. Most people barbeque, and party, shoot fireworks and spend their day oohing and aahing. I generally spend mine with tears and woe. This may seem silly, especially to anyone who has never owned a dog, but I had a dog, the dog, if there is such a thing as a doggie soul-mate he was it. I was there when he and his litter mates were born, I helped get the gunk off of them when their momma couldn't keep up. I helped feed them and raise them to the age that they could go to good homes. But one, he stole my heart from the first. He was the biggest in the litter, and the cutest little pudge-ball you could ever see. He followed me everywhere, and I mean everywhere, I couldn't take a bath without him crying at the door. We had an instant bond. I wasn't really able to have a dog where I was living, my roommate had two already, but man did I fall hard for this little pup. He slept with me, watched out the window if I went somewhere without him. At one point someone expressed interest in him, and decided to take him for the night as a trial run. My poor pup cried all night, and so did I. The man brought him back the next day and said he thought this wonderful pup had already chosen his owner. Me. And so, unable to be separated from me, he became mine. Aries, my boy, my best friend. He would snuggle with me all day when I had to work late nights. He rarely left my side, and no matter where he was or what he was chasing, when I called he came. 

Words can not describe what Aries meant to me. Having him in my life was a blessing. I don't think there will ever be another Aries. I'm not sure you have that type of bond twice in a lifetime. 

Several years ago, after my ex and I had broken up, Aries was staying with him. My ex had Aries brother Ryver, my other little buddy, and they were happier together. I made a difficult choice and let him go. I could visit anytime and I wanted what was best for my pup. I didn't visit enough, it was difficult, and I let discomfort keep me away for far too long. One fourth of July some kids in the apartment complexes behind where my ex lived were shooting off fireworks. One of them landed on the top of the building and it caught fire. The boys were sleeping in the bedroom, and my ex was out talking with his cousin. When my ex realized what was happening he ran and broke in through the front window (very large, thick window), risking his life to save our babies. It was too late. The fireman had to drag my ex out of the building. The paramedics say that it just got so hot that they just quit breathing. That they didn't wake up and felt no pain. The thought of them panicking eats at me still. So on Fourth of July I lost my two best little friends, my sons, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about them. There is a hole in my heart that I believe will never fully heal from the loss. My heart cries for them.

So some tears are shed for a lifetime, sometimes varying in the strength of the grief, but never wavering, never diminishing. Some tears fall unending......

I realize I totally cheated by using one post for all of these letters, but I am determined to finish this challenge whatever it takes. I imagine they probably already booted my ass off the list, but I am still going to see it through.I have been in school and working 6-7 days a week the passed few weeks and studying for an exam, please forgive me for flaking out on this whole thing a bit.

 

I can't find the off button on my brain

I have been staring at this blank screen for three days now, the blinking cursor taunting me the entire time. Usually I suffer from not knowing really what to post about, not so much this time. There are a million and two things taking up my brain at the moment, and sorting through them is taking a lot of effort. I have at least 5 posts worth of stuff swirling around, choosing one and not letting the one post be all crazy talk and rambles is becoming a source of stress at this point. So I am officially saying screw it, I am going to sit here and type, and if it is jumbled and rambly I'm sorry in advance. Too much going on, too little time to actually write.

Withdrawal is an uber-biatch. I have never gone through it before, I had no idea what was happening to me. Why am I going through withdrawal you ask. Not because I'm addicted to crack or anything, promise. That would actually make sense. Nope, I am going through withdrawal from a medicine that was supposed to help my Fybro. It wasn't overly helpful with the pain, but what it was doing was making me wobbly and kept me in a constant fog. I wasn't really aware it was happening, as I said I was in a fog. When I would feel so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open, even and especially when driving. Oh yeah, fun stuff. I would be driving home and would be struggling to keep my eyes open, fighting to slough off the exhaustion, and every time it happened I would make some excuse. I wasn't getting enough sleep, I needed to rest during the day sometime. I explained it away until three weeks ago. Shit got real bad, real fast.

I was helping a friend at her house, I had been going over there after work to help with getting the house tidied up. The last evening we were there I was just exhausted, I said my goodbyes and went out the back to head home. Guess who fell down the deck stairs, landed on the lawnmower and knocked herself out? Yep, me. I stumbled and it was over, I come to and hear my friend hollering at his girl to call 911. No thank you. I drag myself off the ground, to prove that 911 is by far not necessary, they drive me home and wake me every two hours after. I had a concussion, I knew I did, so I call my mom and tell her what's up and that I am thinking I am not making work. She is LIVID, like I jumped off the damn deck. She's not mad that I fell, that would be ridiculous, she is mad that I decided not to go to the hospital. Oh let me tell you, I heard it for 2 days. Finally on Wednesday I caved and went. Super fun! X-rays and tests and blah blah blah. I have severe contusions on my leg and my brain, a sprained hip, and a pulled muscle in my side, fan-freaking-tastic.

Ok, now fast-forward a few days. I don't need to be told I had no business working, I know this, but I also know diapers don't pay for themselves and until I find a sugar-daddy (holla) or a money tree, momma's got to work.  I head off to work, still feeling cruddy but dang determined to make it through regardless. I sit at my desk and can't keep my eyes open, I'm talking I wake up twice without even realizing I fell asleep. I decide to take some good advice and go home. I get in the car (stupid, stupid, stupid), and begin the hour long trek back home. I was SO close! I only had like 5-10 miles to go and I would have been safe. *Sigh* No such luck. Sitting at a traffic light, behind a very nice SUV mind you, I doze off. My foot slips off the brake pedal, and I hit the guy in front of me. Oh Shit, what just happened?!? The guy behind me rams me, pushing me into the guy in front of me a second time, oh it sucked. Police, fire dept, ambulance, everybody comes flooding in, I am being interrogated. Am I drunk: No, Am I on drugs: no, just what I am supposed to be on, the heavier stuff I don't take until I am home. Do I realize that the medication I am on says not to drive: No (Oh I am hysterical). Do you realize I could take you to jail for driving under the influence of a mind-altering drug? Say WTF?!? Mind altering? It's fybro medicine, this isn't supposed to be happening! I am so sorry, I didn't know. What if I had had my daughter in the car, oh jesus I could have killed someone. At this point we are talking full on panic, I am flipping out so bad I think they felt sorry for me. I didn't go to jail, thank goodness. There is minimal damage to all cars, and nobody was hurt. It could have been so much worse!

So long story......... well slightly less long, I stopped taking the medicine. I didn't wean myself, I just stopped. I refuse to take something that does that to me. Now I get to go through withdrawal. Let me tell you, it blows! I had no idea what was happening, I kind of thought I was losing it to be honest. Bone deep pain, no appetite and can't keep down what I do eat, shaky, can't focus, and worst of all there is no escaping it. Nothing helps. I feel like a flipping crack head, I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to hide until it passes. Just the act of getting up and being mom or going to work has been a struggle. I will never, EVER take anything that can do this to me, ever again.

Moral of the story:

Just say no to prescription drugs, or at least make sure you know everything about it before you take them. I thought I had done sufficient research, I was wrong.  Don't be me, don't let your wake up call involve the sound of crunching metal.

I don't know how long withdrawal lasts, but I know sitting here writing this has taken me weeks, focusing is a chore at the moment. I will be back around as soon as I can be. Miss my peoples!!!!