Monday, October 10, 2011

I can't find the off button on my brain

I have been staring at this blank screen for three days now, the blinking cursor taunting me the entire time. Usually I suffer from not knowing really what to post about, not so much this time. There are a million and two things taking up my brain at the moment, and sorting through them is taking a lot of effort. I have at least 5 posts worth of stuff swirling around, choosing one and not letting the one post be all crazy talk and rambles is becoming a source of stress at this point. So I am officially saying screw it, I am going to sit here and type, and if it is jumbled and rambly I'm sorry in advance. Too much going on, too little time to actually write.

Withdrawal is an uber-biatch. I have never gone through it before, I had no idea what was happening to me. Why am I going through withdrawal you ask. Not because I'm addicted to crack or anything, promise. That would actually make sense. Nope, I am going through withdrawal from a medicine that was supposed to help my Fybro. It wasn't overly helpful with the pain, but what it was doing was making me wobbly and kept me in a constant fog. I wasn't really aware it was happening, as I said I was in a fog. When I would feel so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open, even and especially when driving. Oh yeah, fun stuff. I would be driving home and would be struggling to keep my eyes open, fighting to slough off the exhaustion, and every time it happened I would make some excuse. I wasn't getting enough sleep, I needed to rest during the day sometime. I explained it away until three weeks ago. Shit got real bad, real fast.

I was helping a friend at her house, I had been going over there after work to help with getting the house tidied up. The last evening we were there I was just exhausted, I said my goodbyes and went out the back to head home. Guess who fell down the deck stairs, landed on the lawnmower and knocked herself out? Yep, me. I stumbled and it was over, I come to and hear my friend hollering at his girl to call 911. No thank you. I drag myself off the ground, to prove that 911 is by far not necessary, they drive me home and wake me every two hours after. I had a concussion, I knew I did, so I call my mom and tell her what's up and that I am thinking I am not making work. She is LIVID, like I jumped off the damn deck. She's not mad that I fell, that would be ridiculous, she is mad that I decided not to go to the hospital. Oh let me tell you, I heard it for 2 days. Finally on Wednesday I caved and went. Super fun! X-rays and tests and blah blah blah. I have severe contusions on my leg and my brain, a sprained hip, and a pulled muscle in my side, fan-freaking-tastic.

Ok, now fast-forward a few days. I don't need to be told I had no business working, I know this, but I also know diapers don't pay for themselves and until I find a sugar-daddy (holla) or a money tree, momma's got to work.  I head off to work, still feeling cruddy but dang determined to make it through regardless. I sit at my desk and can't keep my eyes open, I'm talking I wake up twice without even realizing I fell asleep. I decide to take some good advice and go home. I get in the car (stupid, stupid, stupid), and begin the hour long trek back home. I was SO close! I only had like 5-10 miles to go and I would have been safe. *Sigh* No such luck. Sitting at a traffic light, behind a very nice SUV mind you, I doze off. My foot slips off the brake pedal, and I hit the guy in front of me. Oh Shit, what just happened?!? The guy behind me rams me, pushing me into the guy in front of me a second time, oh it sucked. Police, fire dept, ambulance, everybody comes flooding in, I am being interrogated. Am I drunk: No, Am I on drugs: no, just what I am supposed to be on, the heavier stuff I don't take until I am home. Do I realize that the medication I am on says not to drive: No (Oh I am hysterical). Do you realize I could take you to jail for driving under the influence of a mind-altering drug? Say WTF?!? Mind altering? It's fybro medicine, this isn't supposed to be happening! I am so sorry, I didn't know. What if I had had my daughter in the car, oh jesus I could have killed someone. At this point we are talking full on panic, I am flipping out so bad I think they felt sorry for me. I didn't go to jail, thank goodness. There is minimal damage to all cars, and nobody was hurt. It could have been so much worse!

So long story......... well slightly less long, I stopped taking the medicine. I didn't wean myself, I just stopped. I refuse to take something that does that to me. Now I get to go through withdrawal. Let me tell you, it blows! I had no idea what was happening, I kind of thought I was losing it to be honest. Bone deep pain, no appetite and can't keep down what I do eat, shaky, can't focus, and worst of all there is no escaping it. Nothing helps. I feel like a flipping crack head, I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to hide until it passes. Just the act of getting up and being mom or going to work has been a struggle. I will never, EVER take anything that can do this to me, ever again.

Moral of the story:

Just say no to prescription drugs, or at least make sure you know everything about it before you take them. I thought I had done sufficient research, I was wrong.  Don't be me, don't let your wake up call involve the sound of crunching metal.

I don't know how long withdrawal lasts, but I know sitting here writing this has taken me weeks, focusing is a chore at the moment. I will be back around as soon as I can be. Miss my peoples!!!!


  1. Wow! I'm glad you're okay! I can't imagine how tough that is for you with Fybro and taking something screws you up or not taking anything leaves you in pain; so sorry. Wish there was something I could do for you. I will hunt for a money tree, and when I find it, we'll split it 50/50?

    When it comes to presciption drugs, what can you take anymore without CRAZY side effects? Call a doctor if you have been sleeping for more than 6 days straight, moved to Vegas and married a Chippendale dancer, may have told your boss they looked ugly in that shirt, craved smores for more than 8 months, you spent more than $100 dollars on the psychic hotline, wore your winter coat in June and fell down a deck and refused to go the hospital. Mercy. Take care and get well...thinking about ya!

  2. Wow! No advice to give, but lots of hugs being sent and I hope you find your way out of this soon...

  3. Wow can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. It does sound as though you are better without the meds, despite the pain. Here's hoping the withdrawal doesn't last long.


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