Monday, October 17, 2011

Who's your daddy?

Most everyone who knows me knows the story of how my little came to be. I'm not sure that I have shared this with my blog peeps or not (and I'm either too busy or too lazy to look, lol) but my daughter has never met her father, not once, not even when I was pregnant with her. I haven't actually seen him since I found out, he sort of freaked out and bailed. It happens, whatever, I won anyway because I got Lala. So long story short, we have emailed a few times but mostly just wishy washy "I want to see her" or "I'll be there -insert whatever date-" that never came to be for some lame-ass reason or another. I got sick of the back and forth crap, told him so, booted him out of my life, off my facebook, he certainly wasn't going to have the privilege of watching her grow through pictures if he couldn't be bothered to get to know her. He got snotty about it, I told him how it was, and was over it. I made peace with the fact that I was it for her, I would have to be enough.

Then some months ago I get an email from a friend telling me that not only has he been arrested, he has been arrested for - are you ready for this - robbing a daycare. At this point my belief in my ability to be an accurate judge of character curls up and dies a horrid painful death. I don't know what to say, what to think. I mean how could I have let someone like this into my life.......he robbed a daycare, who does that?!?! 

She was 7 months old the last time I talked to him, she will be 2 in a week. So of course now would be the time to get an email. Not from the sperm donor, because he is still in jail, from sperm donors niece saying that he really wants to talk to me. Did I miss something? I mean am I caring about what he wants now, should I have to? Do I owe him this for her?

I don't think I owe him a thing, he made it clear in our last interaction that he had nothing for us. I could be a complete biatch and tell her to tell him to jump off a cliff. Then I think, this poor girl has to relay a message to someone she has never met, and probably has no idea all of the things that have transpired. So I think like a mom and just can't bring myself to be rude, I give her my address and condolences for the sperm donor being in jail.

I don't know what I should expect, or honestly if I should expect anything. He helped me create Lala so I can't hate him too much, but I'll be damned if he is going to show up in her life now, after all of this time, and expect me to just allow it with no conditions. There will never, ever, be anyone that is allowed to flit in and out of her life, and that includes the sperm donor. Period. She is and always will be my first priority, as she should be, and I will do whatever I have to do to keep her safe and healthy. Physically and emotionally.

I'm kind of at a loss at the moment, some people just make no sense to me. What would you do if you were in my position?


  1. I'd tell you what I'd do, because I've been there, sorta. Keep your kid away from him. Now I know that's not the popular answer, but it's your daughter's safety you should be concerned with.

    #1-He has made no real effort in her life thus far, why now? I would have HIM explain that to you, not via, cousins sister's brother's aunt.

    #2- Obviously makes VERY bad choices. Couple of days/months in jail doesn't magically erase that. He needs to prove that he can make better choices over a period of time.

    I was in a situation with my ex-husband where he made some decision that pretty much knocked the wind right out of me...and he wasn't allowed to see the kids until he got his life straight.

    Just because someone created a child, doesn't mean they automatically have rights, if you're going to be a crappy parent, then it's just not worth it in my book. I think far too many people fall for the, oh, it's her Dad so I have to let him see her. NO, no you don't. Especially not if they are robbing a daycare. Watch your wallet.

    Sorry girlie...let me know if you need anything. :)

  2. Your tangents are always welcome. :-) I appreciate your honest thoughts. That's my way of thinking as well, I just don't think a couple letters from jail (I mean be for real) are going to erase all of the prior crap, and the fact that he hasn't in any way been a part of her life. He can talk to me, but in my eyes it changes nothing. In my last email I told him his window of opportunity was closed, she was not his daughter, not our daughter, she was MY daughter. He had his chance to be a worthy father/person, he epic failed. I think my real worry is that she is going to grow p and hate me for taking her chance to know him, then I think if I am doing it so she can grow up a healthier happier little girl would I really be wrong for making that choice.

    Single parenting is tricky tricky stuff, I know there are still bumps to come, but I can't tell you how great it is to have a place to express how I feel and to have support from people who have been there. Thank you so much!!

  3. Well mine isn't a popular answer either. But, I made the decision to not have the father around also. I do keep track of where he is in case when she is grown up she wants to find him (as I found my birthmother at the age of 30 in Korea, no less). I don't believe in forcing anyone to be a parent whether by cs or by visitation; I also don't believe that popping in and out of a child's life is healthy, which could end up being the case with Lala's father. At this point she doesn't know she's missing anything. Children do not need the traditional family life to grow into normal, productive members of society. They need to know that people love them and will always be there for them, and not just when it happens to be convenient.

  4. Christina,

    I completely agree! I told him when I found out I was pregnant that I expected nothing from him. I understood that the situation was not ideal, and that I was perfectly ok if he chose to not be part of her life. I knew I wanted her, I wanted her so badly no matter how she came to be. The thing is I don't like to be strung along, and that is what was happening, he couldn't man up and tell me he couldn't be there until I did it for him. He needed to be let off the hook. I did him the favor and have been very happy since. Being a single parent is tough, as I think you all know first hand, but I love it.

    This out of the blue mail thing is what has me a bit freaked. I have raised her for almost two years now, and I'm happy that way. I don't want a whole crap storm starting now, I don't want to deal with it. I don't want him in her life, not the person he is at this moment. I can't allow it. My fear is that he will decide to take me to court at some point. I really don't want to deal with that, and I won't put my baby through it.

    Amazing that you found your birth mother after so much time! I can't imagine how that must have felt, but truly appreciate your perspective on my situation. These are waters I have not had to navigate before and it is stressful. Any and all advice is welcome.

  5. I love what Cari and Christina said. They spoke honestly from their hearts. As Lala's grandma, she has enough love and support, that a sperm donor would not be missed. Many children have no father, they don't missed what they have never had. You are a wise and beautiful young lady with an amazing heart!! And they will never miss negativity. We love and support you always. <3


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