Two posts in two days?!? Bet you never thought to see that, lol.
This is a part two of sorts to my post from yesterday. I touched a little on what my expectations should be about the situation with the Sperm Donor contacting me after almost a full year and a half of no contact. I want to clarify something that I didn't explain very well yesterday (I was seriously stressed), I expect nothing from him. When I found out I was pregnant I first debated on even telling him, yeah I was that girl, we hadn't spoken in some days and it felt like we had kind of fallen off. I decided that if I were him, I would want to know, so no matter how much I really did want to keep the news to myself I felt he had a right to know. During the "I'm pregnant" "Umm, are you kidding?"" conversation, I explained to him that I was only telling him because it was the right thing to do. I told him I expected nothing from him, no time or money was necessary. I knew I wanted her, and I knew that between me and my family, we would love her enough that he didn't need to put himself into a situation he didn't want to be in. My thinking was, if he didn't really want to be there, she would know and it wouldn't be good for her. She will not suffer for a decision that I made, I couldn't live with that.
Now a year and a half later, I receive the email that he wants to talk. Why? Why now, after all of this time? Does he really thinking writing me from jail will change anything that has happened, that has me stuck, what does he even want? I think that is what really has me stressing, after all this time, what could he possibly want. I won't allow him to see her, not now or anytime in the future, until I am sure he is worthy of being in her life. And trust that if that day never comes he will not see her for as long as it is my decision to make. If she decides later that she wants to know him, I will deal with it then. She has never known him, and I think it would do more harm than good for him to come into her life.
My bloggy friend Christina Majaski over at Solitary Mama <--seriously click the link, she is a wonderful person and a great read, brought up a really good point. You shouldn't try to force someone into being parent, whether it be time or child support. I have to absolutely agree with this. I don't think that is a good situation for anyone, especially the child. On that same note though, and I will probably get crucified for saying this but it's my blog and I'll say what I want to, if you make that decision you need to be sure that it is what you really want. Take some time, do some soul searching, whatever it is that you need to do. Because coming back two or five years later with some BS excuse as to why you decided to opt out at the time but now want to take it back, is not cool with me. We aren't talking about making a clothing purchase at the store that you can just take back no prob, we are talking about a human being with feelings and needs. A child is not a pawn to be used in the stupid games people play, they are little people that depend on their parents/parent to care for them and make the tough decisions in life to keep them safe before they are able to do it for themselves. Children are gifts, they should be treasured, and some wishy washy bs isn't going to cut it with me.
Having said that, I have no clue why SD is wanting to talk to me. Maybe it's nothing to do with wanting to be in her life, maybe he just feels bad for being a super dick about it and wants to apologize. Maybe his family is putting pressure on him. If they know about her, I don' know if they do or not. I really don't know. It sucks, it is stressful, and I wish he would have just accepted his decisions and left me alone.
This ties in with the whole expectations thing. Everyone has expectations at some point, whether they are good or bad, we all have them. If our expectations are too high we will almost surely be let down. If they are too low, we are doing a great disservice to ourselves. That's how I feel about it anyway. I have been in both of these categories and neither ended well for me. I expected him to stick with his decision and stay out of mine and Lala's life, that is obviously that won't be happening, him being out of my life anyway. I had very high expectations of a relationship, stemming a lot from having grown up with my parents as guides, they are also not panning out as smoothly as I had thought. So where is the happy medium? No one wants to commit the epic parenting fail and screw their kid/s up forever. I have been very lucky growing up, my parents have been together my whole life, I didn't grow up with a lot of money but my family was happy and we always had each other. It has been a hard transition for me to make mentally, that my girl doesn't have a father. I hit the occasional bump in the road because of it, and have no doubt made mistakes while learning to parent my girl. Parenting is hard, and playing both roles does not make it easier.Throw in a parent that can't decide if they want to be or not to be, and I am fairly well going insane with anxiety.
Single parents: How do you balance your roles in your kiddo's lives? Have you found the middle of the road between being Mommy and Daddy? If so care to share any tips with us parents that are still trying to keep our parenting cars on the road? :-)