I could use some. I have been on a serious journey of self discovery since my Lala was born, now that I am in a relationship it has pushed that into hyper-drive. I am an unintentional saboteur. I have known this for a long time. I think we all have a little bit of it in us. When things are good I have a tendency to be so focused on the messy, hurty end, that I am not enjoying the now. This is ridiculous, and a behavior that not only do I not want to continue myself, I definitely don't want my daughter to grow thinking that you have to keep yourself guarded and shielded from people.
So rediscovery of the day - I've got problems. Commitment issues, sharing my kid issues, cohabitation issues (I'm a very I like stuff a certain way, don't leave your effing shorts on the bathroom floor for two days), trust issues, communication issues, and emotional issues. Oh yeah I've got issues, I know this man! I'm working on it, it's slow going but you will be happy to know, progress is being made.
Yesterday was a day full of panic attacks, weepiness (I am so not a crier), and phone calls to my mom to try to help me stable my shit out, beings as I was at work and running to the bathroom every five minutes to wipe my eyes was totally inappropriate. And you know what, my mom is so bad ass she came to see me (she is the office manager so it wasn't too obvious she was there for me), she gave me a big hug and told me it was going to be all right. She listened while I cried about stupid stuff, and my ever present social/relationship insecurities. She didn't criticize, or make me feel like I was blowing it out of proportion. Hearing her voice, seeing her face, hugging her tight and telling her how much I missed our afternoon talks out on the back porch, it was exactly what my aching heart needed. I was calmer, in a better mood, and able to put some scattered things back into perspective. Mom's really are amazing, they have super powers, mine does. When I hurt, when I get bad news, when my life is spiraling, my first thought is always "I need my momma", seriously I'm thirty fricking years old, and I still have the I want my Mommy moments. I wonder if that will ever pass, or if the connection and comfort that parents offer is just irreplaceable. I want to always be that for Lala, and my mom told me she still has times where the only thing that will make her feel better is hearing her mom's voice. I am lucky to live close to my mom, she is my best friend, my hero, my momma.
Hug your Momma's today, for no other reason than you love them. A big hug, one that says, I love you and I will always need my mom. If you can't physically hug them call them and give a phone hug. Dad's too, not to be left out. My dad is, honestly, what I think all men should strive to be. He is the best man I have ever known, and I will always be my daddy's baby.
I know this is going to be super hard to believe (yeah okay) but I spent some time in therapy when I was younger. I was going through some really rough stuff, I think I was 21 or 22. This fidiot charged $250 dollars a friggin session....for real? I felt like more an idiot for paying that much money than for anything else going on in my life. There's some perspective for you. I realized fairly quickly that therapy wasn't for me, I am not a "talk about your problems" type of person, especially to a stranger that I have to pay to talk to. No thanks. Zoloft and a notebook acquire the same results for much cheaper. I have always "journaled", but even there I held back. I don't know why, I think I was afraid to be honest about my feelings even to myself. After "therapy" that changed. I started writing like it was a job. I have notebooks filled. Some pages just have random sentences and words, some are pages and pages filled with troubles and joys. I talk to these notebooks like a best friend that I know will never betray me. When they are full I lock them in my lock box to go back to later.
So there's my therapy. Zoloft, notebooks, and my mom. Maybe with all three on my side I can brave the relationship waters without causing too many tidal waves, there will almost definitely be a few. I wouldn't be me if I didn't cause a couple small disasters. Hopefully though I have found someone steadfast enough in New Beau that he can brave the waves and my special brand of crazy.
Keeping my finger's crossed,