Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Hey Vader, can I borrow your Light Saber, just for a bit

Life is full right now, and I mean full. Comings and goings. Striving to realize the potential for happiness and the building of a family. It's all happening before my eyes. Can I tell you a secret.......I'm terrified. Absolutely, positively, knee knocking terrified. Because along with the potential for bliss, comes the potential for great pain. It is always a possibility when you open yourself and your heart to new things. What to do, what to do....

I can't give you all of the details on this new budding life and romance, not yet anyway. Not here. There would be ramifications from a spiteful, miserable somebody that I choose not to deal with. But I will be emailing you Cari, because I need somebody to tell, and you asked (sorry, lol).

What I can say:

I am finding out all kinds of interesting things about myself lately, one of the major personality treasures is I am a selfish bitch. Not in all things, but when it comes to my girl, wow! It takes a lot to share her, and even though the urge to growl and swipe at everyone who comes near us is dimming (it's taken serious work) it is still a work in progress. I had some idea that I may not be the most share-full person, but the magnitude surprised even me. The thought of her running to anyone else when she's upset, or wants a cuddle, kills me. I don't mean to be that way, I really don't. I want her to have a daddy, she deserves one, I just don't want her to like him more than me, being a daddies baby myself I know this is going to be a tough one.

I live a little ways from new Beau, we spend our "weekends" there. I say "weekends" because I have arranged my schedule at work, to work all of my hours Mon-Wed, and we leave Wednesday late afternoon. The rest is our weekend, we are lucky, I know. That in itself is scary, when/if we move there, it would not really be feasible to keep my current job, I like my job. I like my boss, and that never happens. I mean seriously, never, either I hate them or they hate me. I know that is ridiculous right, who could hate me?!? So this weighs on me, I try not to let the fear paralyze me, hence the need for Vader's Light Saber. I will fight the fear back, I will let my life move forward as it will, without allowing my doubts and fear hold it in park. I will not live in the past.

Now on to the wonder of New Beau. Oh and he is wonderful. There are a lot of things that add in to his and my story but as I said a bit earlier in the post, most of those details will have to wait bit. I can tell you that he loves me and my girl like she is his own, this of course earns him major brownie points. Anyone who cannot accept that I come as a package has no room in my life. He treats me with respect, and understands all of the little idiosyncrasies that make me...well me. This is a huge undertaking and I am honestly surprised he deals so well. I am a bit of a handful. 

In other news....

Guess who's getting a puppy?? Me!! He actually isn't a puppy per-say, he is the brother of he pup I had to give up. It was incredibly sad, he went to an amazing home though. Thank you Chance and Tara, I know you love him and provide for him the way he deserves. I had to give him up because my nephew turned out to be severely allergic to dogs, and at the time I had no other living arrangements. The loss of him, was second only to the loss of my beautiful Aries and River, oh I miss those two. That is a post for another time though, one that will come when my heart is mended enough from their loss to not bawl my way through it.

Back to the business at hand, New Beau has made the having of this dog possible. His name is Hunter, and he is beautiful. We get him on wednesday (loads of pictures will be coming) and while I am extremely extremely excited, this is a trial run and if he snaps or growls at my girl, that will be the doggy deal-breaker and we will have to find him a new home with no children. Obviously I am praying that that is not the case, but I am trying not to get my hopes up, just in case. So that is what has been happening in my little world, I hope you are all having a beautiful summer!!!

I will be away for a bit starting Thursday, New Beau is taking me and La-la on her first camping trip!!! I will see you all when we get back!!

Packing three days early :-D,


  1. Heck yeah email me!! Oh, I feel so lucky:)

    I can feel ya on the transistion part of this. It has to be hard and scary and AWESOME!!! Don't forget the awesome! Take your time and trust your gut, and pray, lots of prayer and you'll know what's right.

    Girl, you know it's love when you're going camping! Take some bear repellent or something.

  2. I am right with you on this...except I am not so close to the "moving on" bit yet. It is encouraging to see that I might, possibly, maybe could get there someday.


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