I was having a conversation the other day with a truly delightful woman, several years my senior, about how different things are even since I was a child. The rash of teen pregnancies, drug use, gang violence, murders, and some other really yucky stuff that makes my heart hurt. She asked my opinion on how I thought on the issue of teens intentionally getting pregnant, or just flat out not having the knowledge to keep it from happening. I told her exactly what I thought, she asked my opinion after all, let's just say she was less than impressed. As I said she is roughly 80 so she grew up in a very different time, perhaps I should have little white lied it. My mom always tells me I am too blunt, I can't help it, I think I was born without that filter. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. She asked specifically if I knew how I would handle it with my own daughter later on down the line(she's only two, thankfully!). In no uncertain terms I told her I knew exactly how I would handle it, I will be talking to her regularly about sex and why she is worth not having sex with anyone, EVER. :-) No but seriously, we will not be having "the talk" just once, we will talk about it many times, and she will know that she can come to me. I also may have said something to the effect of, her first period or 15, whichever comes first, she will be on birth control.
At this point I am sure this woman is having a stroke, her face was pale and she was doing the "clutching her pearls" move.
Her: You are going to condone sexual activity!?!?!
Me: I did not say that.
Her (her voice is steadily rising in pitch): But putting her on birth control is basically giving her the go ahead.
Me (still quite calm): Umm no, that's not at all what it is, to me it is the smartest thing I could do. I was able to talk to my mother, I told her I thought I was ready and she took me that day to get birth control. I didn't have sex for some time after that, but if I had I wouldn't be risking pregnancy. I am not so gullible to think that if she is going to do it, no matter how closely I watch her, she will find a way.
Her: I...I just can't believe you are ok with this, that isn't right.
Me (getting a touch defensive): No, babies having babies is not right, making adult decisions without the proper knowledge to make those decisions is not right, not having an understanding ear to talk to is not right. Me being there for my girl is the most right thing in the world, and as I am her mother, I think the decision on how to raise her and when to discuss these thing is mine. But bet my girl doesn't have a baby in high school, making an already hard time in life almost impossible, thank you very much!
She left very shortly after that, I felt a tiny bit bad, but not really. I will do whatever I have to do to ensure that my daughter has the fullest, most enriched life filled with all possibilities for success that she can have, and while I understand babies are precious, believe me I love mine more than life, there is time for that.....Later.
What are your thoughts? Do you think I am being crazy, or too "progressive"? How will you be handling this when it comes, or how have you handled it already?
This was an A to Z Challenge post for C......stay tuned for more :-) Leave your link to your challenge posts too please, I would love to read them!!
I don't think it's crazy. I agree with being there for our kids so they are comfortable coming to us with whatever they need. I will suggest and encourage bc (not force her on it) and hopefully she'll be smart enough to make the right decisions when I'm not around.
ReplyDeleteI was the one that did what I wanted. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much the parents shelter or try to protect. We will do what we want to do and ignoring that or acting like "it won't happen to my kid" is dangerous. Good for you for being open to the discussion with your daughter.
I won't force it either, but I am very hopeful that if/when she decides she is ready that she will choose to, just because it is sad when their childhood is cut short. I was the same, I found ways to do as I pleased, I am very thankful that my mother was so open to talking to me, without her I don't know where I would be. It makes a difference!
ReplyDeleteI would say that being open about the seriousness of sex is important. However, you really need to know that BC has it's drawbacks. BC does change a woman's pheromones, has some nasty side effects, and, in general, is under-studied. Besides all that, you would be doing your daughter a better service to teach her that if a guy is not willing to wear a condom he is not worth being with because he really doesn't care about her. There are WAY too many STD's out there to even go there. Just my two cents and serious issues to consider.
ReplyDeleteThank you for chiming in! All input is welcome. I have done some research honestly, long before I had my daughter actually, I didn't know it changed your pheremones. I think most times it is a lesser of two evils situation, and finding what works best with your body. As for condoms, that is a given, BC doesn't protect against that and that would fall into the not doing something as a young person that will have ramifications forever. I appreciate you bringing that up as I completely forgot to include it! I think that they should go together, there are condom mishaps, and as I said I will not pressure her. I just want her to know all of her options and that it truly is worth waiting to have sex. That is something I hope to instill in her, that sex is not expected nor is she wrong if she decides that she doesn't want to have sex until marriage or at least waiting until she has the maturity not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well(please, please, please). Sex is a huge decision, even if it isn't treated that way nowadays.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment!!
I was just confronted with this same decision a week ago. My daughter, 17, has terrible acne and the doctor said it could help. My daughter actual said no. We talk openly about sex, and the risks and responsibilities that come with it.
ReplyDeleteStopping in via the A-Z blogging challenge.
Bev @ Blue Velvet Vincent
"At this point I am sure this woman is having a stroke, her face was pale and she was doing the "clutching her pearls" move."
ReplyDeleteThat just made me laugh. I honestly don't know. Here's my train of thought on the subject. Do I want her to have sex before marriage? (I'm shooting for that) Nope. Probability of that happening, slim. Doesn't mean I'll throw in the towel on talking to her, but I don't want to push her away. i was a rebel teen, I did what I wanted despite my parents, who were overbearing and strict and thought just because they said don't, I wouldn't. What I want for her and what she will do are two different things. But I will arm her with all the knowledge she needs about sex and birth control and the emotional risks as well. Pretending like she won't be messing around is dangerous parenting if you ask me. So I think I'm with ya, open and honest 100%, with lots of dialogue. But I'll have to feel her out when she hits 15 and see what kind of kid I'm dealing with at that point...God help me. GREAT post, doll. Serenity is lucky to have you and all your progressiveness:)
For me the question isn't about having babies or not. It's about the damage that sex outside of marriage does to a young girl's heart. It's taken me years to recover from the sexual decisions I made at a young age (I'm in my 40s now). It may be CULTURALLY normal today to have sex outside of marriage, but that doesn't mean it's a good thing. Just my two cents.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree Merritt! I want nothing more than to instill in her the importance of giving that part of herself ONLY to the man she loves and wants to spend her life with. I don't think it should be the cultural norm, I have been celibate for quite some time to be honest. I believe in leading by example as well as arming her with all of the knowledge I can. At the same time though, I do know how peer pressure works and I know that kids don'
ReplyDeletet always listen to the wisdom and knowing of a parent (I didn't). I want her to grow up confident and with the best set of morals and self-values she can possibly have. Too many girls these days have such low self-esteem and parents who either don't know how to approach the subject of sex (and drugs for that matter) with their kids or just flat out don't. I want to clarify, I will probably freak out (inwardly hopefully) when she does come to me and say she is ready. I will do everything in my power to help her see that waiting is best, but I will give her what she needs to not end up pregnant or with a disease she has to live with forever because of a decision made when she was too young to fully understand the consequences.
Wow, I totally just rambled, lol, sorry about that.
I very much appreciate your two cents! :-) All opinions are welcome!! Thank you for visiting, I am headed over to check yours out now. :-)