I honestly thought that maybe I should just scrap this whole thing, delete it and act like it never happened. Then again, this is something I chose to do, and I chose to do it for a reason, so I guess I need to see it through.
Around Christmas I began to notice that Aries seemed down. He had always been a very chilled out pup, besides the fighting, but this was different. He seemed mopey, he still went nuts when I got home, and he was still momma's big boy, but he missed his brother. Even after all that had happened, he missed playing with him and just seeing him everyday I guess. So Christmas eve I called my Ex and asked if he wanted to take Aries for Christmas, he quickly and tearfully said absolutely. He came to pick him up shortly after we got off the phone, and the look on his face when he thanked me crumbled me. I felt so badly for all that had happened, and pretty much just about everything. Though the whole falling apart thing wasn't all my fault, I often blamed myself for everything. I know I shouldn't have, and I also know it did no good for anyone, but the heart is not a rational thing. So because I was in a fairly irrational, guilt-ridden place, I made a decision that hurt like hell, and to be truthful still hurts today. I told him that Aries could stay with him. He said that they had been so happy, and I mean how could I not, I couldn't put my own happiness over my pups. He was my child. He said I could visit anytime. Which I am sure anyone in this type of situation knows it starts out fine at first, and then the awkwardness grows and the amount of visits begins to dwindle. Now this is something I will never forgive myself for, letting the personal feelings get in the way of seeing my buddhas. I want to clarify that I was not worried about the boys being with my ex. He was amazing with the pups, he is the only guy I have ever been with that loved dogs as much as I did. He loved them, and took great care of them. More on this in a bit.
Things between Dusten and I never really clarified. I instinctively knew I had no business even thinking about a relationship, it would be a rebound of the worst kind. I also knew that nothing that started how we would be starting had any hope of going anywhere. Here is where everything gets all screwy. What do you do if someone who you feel did you a huge favor, however misguided you were in asking said favor, asks you to do a huge favor for them. Do you say no, do you say yes, does it depend on the favor?? Well as it turns out in my case I just said yeah. My life was pretty much blown to bits anyway, so a little more fallout probably wouldn't kill me, and it would possibly help unite a child and possible daddy. Let me just interject that there is no favor done for me on this planet that I deserved all the bullshit that happened next. What was the favor? I a sure you have already figured it out. If he was married he would look more stable in the eyes of the court. Getting married after baby wouldn't be real believable, so without knowing a hundred percent if it was even his, we had a shotgun(seriously) wedding at the courthouse. I was never one of those girls who envisioned there wedding from the time they were little girls, but if I had, this wouldn't have come anywhere near what I thought of.
Oh, what a catastrophe. The day was fubared from the beginning. Nothing was going correctly, I looked like warmed over crap. I have always worried about my weight, even when I weighed 98lbs I still saw an overweight person when I looked in the mirror. I have battled anorexia from the time I was 12, it sucks, and it's not something that goes away. I think about my weight all the time, eating is at times a battle, but I do it because I know it isn't just me I hurt when I give in to the crazy voice in my head that tells me over and over, everyday, what a fat-ass I am. So this day in particular was not my best "look in the mirror and love my reflection" type of days. So I sucked it up, put on a smile and off we went. The doubts that had already been plaguing me grew louder and louder in my head. This was for sure not a good idea. I reminded myself that he had been a good friend, and had helped me out quite a bit. We pull up, and start the short walk to the courthouse, at this point I am barely keeping it together. Panic and hysteria were bubbling up from my gut, sitting right on the edge of an eruption of epic proportions. I managed to rein it in, kept my jaw clenched and just basically didn't say anything. Let me just say the judges who perform these "ceremonies" do not screw around, she was marrying us if it was the last thing she did. About halfway through his vows, Dusten stumbled over one of the words, big uh oh. That was all it took, the flood gates opened and all of the panic and hysteria I had been feeling came rushing out. I didn't yell, or scream, or run(if only), nope I started to laugh so hard that I was crying. Or perhaps I was laughing and crying, who knows. This judge didn't pause ,didn't give me a second to collect myself(not tat it would have helped mind you), she didn't skip a beat. I did my best to stifle the growing fit of laughter, curbing it to giggles was about the best I could do. Disaster. We came to my turn, the panic grew which in turn caused the giggles to grow in severity. I could barely speak, I couldn't breath, and this woman just kept talking. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and after a losing battle, I said "I can't do this". The entire room filled with a shocked gasp(no one was aware of the terms this marriage had been built on but us), and then absolute silence, except the damn judge! This lady kept on trucking like I hadn't even spoken. I realize what everyone thought I meant, which though it is probably what I should have meant, it actually wasn't. I look over at his extremely panicked mother and try to back pedal, "that's not what I meant, I meant I couldn't breath to talk, I just needed a minute", his mom visibly relaxes and the judge again continues as if someone had pressed play and she wouldn't stop until she reached the end of her tape. And then it was over, and I was........married. Ugh....and fairly disgusted with myself for having gone through with it. Oh well, nothing I could do about it.
Married life was life, but uglier. The little boy was born nine days after our "wedding". Three months later, when the DNA was tested, yes it was his son. That was all good, I was happy for him, in a way, and jealous in others. I felt very alone at this point, so I guess the jealousy was to be expected. The ugliness stemmed from the fact that I had apparently married an alcoholic, who enjoyed nothing more than getting hammered and blaming me for all of the wrong's in his life. Awesome! I so love being a doormat......not! I am generally not the type of person to let you walk on me without having my say in it, so it tended to get heated. Lets just say that I was in hell, and though a small part of me thought that maybe I deserved it, I know now that no one deserves what I dealt with. Stay tuned for Part 5: The Death of Hope