Sunday, September 26, 2010

Part 3: Transferrance

We tripped it back to Mi, with as much of my crap as we could fit. I moved back into my old room at Kurt's, and tried to settle back into life. With all of the stuff that had been going on it actually felt really good to just hide out for a bit and not talk to anyone. I hung out with Kurt, we did movie nights and relaxed, I hung out with my other best friend Roger, we got hammered, and in there own way they were both helping me heal.  I went and visited my family after about a week of being back. I think it was hardest to face them. I didn't want to see the pity or disappointment in there eyes that I had yet another failed relationship. I guess I don't play well with others, neither did the EX, it was one of the reasons we meshed so well I think. We were both homebodies, but I am getting off topic. I went to see my family, trying really hard not to be apprehensive or act defensive. I pretty much just kept my mouth shut, until my mom walked over and gave me a big hug, and said she was sorry. I don't think she realized at the time, but I had needed to hear that for a while. I had been feeling like the whole thing was my fault and to be truthful I felt pretty worthless.I couldn't understand why I seemed to have an almost subconscious need to sabotage my life when it was going good. It is amazing what a little family time can do for you, I left feeling much better than I had when I arrived. I felt like a little of the weight had lifted off my chest and I was able to breath. I drove home feeling like maybe there was some hope in my life. It was nice.
On a side note, from here on I had written already, poured my soul into it in fact. My computer decided to have a conveniently timed crash, and the only part that saved was the first paragraph. Needless to say I am not happy. 

Over the next several weeks, I worked to get my life back to a normal rhythm. I went out job searching. I must have filled out 100 applications. I needed a job, I am a workaholic, I always have been. Working provides a kind of therapy to me, I don't have time to sit and wallow. I had worked 110 hour work weeks, I always figured the more I worked the less time I had to spend money. So finding a job was number one on my to do list. Come to find out though, with the economy crashing and all, finding a job would be next to impossible.

Dusten, Matty and I kept in close contact after my move back to Michigan, and over those fruitless job hunting weeks my conversations with Dusten became more and more frequent. I began to feel serious confusion about my feelings where Dusten was concerned. Our conversations began to grow more serious, and involve a lot of "feelings" talk. Dusten was in a rough situation, his ex(before she was his ex), cheated on him, and became pregnant right around the time it happened. So "who's the daddy" was a pretty up in the air question. We talked a lot(remember the title of the blog is transference), he vented about everything happening. I was able to talk about all of the conflict I had been a part of for so long, it helped us both. You know what happens to some patients when they start viewing their therapist as their savior, and begin to think they are in love with that person? I believe that is what was happening, not just to me, but both of us. I think we became that person to each other, the one that no matter what, we could count on the other to be there. He told me one night that he had asked her to come home, that he was going to try to work it out, at least until the baby arrived and he could find out if it was his. I tried to tell him that she was fully aware that if she could just get back into his life she was very sure that by the time she had the baby, he would be so in love with it that it wouldn't matter whether it was his. Men are kind of thick so I didn't really expect him to listen, and wasn't at all surprised when he didn't. He gets upset, we get off the phone, he calls back and tells me he is unhappy without me there. He wanted me to come back and live there. Ummm...wait, what now?? Did I miss something. Did he not just get done telling me he had his ex coming back. First, I told him he was selfish to even think it was ok to ask me to live with them, and second I told him I was not a home-wrecker. Then he asked me if it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time, I am not the person to ask about that. I can't keep my own life straight, love life or otherwise.

I went back to visit for a few days, stayed with Matty and Dusten, and somehow a few days turned into like a week and a half. The chemistry between Dusten and I continued to grow, right along with my confusion. I wasn't sure how I felt but I knew it was too soon to be falling for someone else. When my old boss offered me my job in Ft Wayne, I jumped at it. I obviously wasn't finding a job in Michigan. Plus I needed to be in Ft Wayne more, to figure out what was going on. I began commuting again, and always staying at Matty's. Somewhere along the way Dusten decided that maybe having the ex move back wasn't a great idea. He told her that he wanted to wait until he knew if the baby was his, oh she was pissed. I talked with Dusten, wanting to make absolutely sure it didn't have to do with me. He said it didn't, we moved on. My stays in Michigan grew shorter and the bag I brought to Ft Wayne grew larger each time I made the trip. Until gradually I just stopped going back.

The EX and I had a few run-ins, during my stays. One where he busted in to Dusten's place and ripped me a new one. It's funny to think of now, because to be honest I was thinking I should just go back to him. When he showed up so angry it scared the crap out of me. I certainly didn't want to go back to more fighting. I panicked and told him I needed time. We didn't see much of each other after that, but anytime we did, the tension was palpable. Needless to say, I avoided him.

Dusten and I hung out anytime we weren't working, sometimes we talked all night, others we just cuddled and watched a movie. It was very relaxing, it was all of the things I missed about how the EX and I used to be. So farther and farther I fell for Dusten. The next little bit of the story is a bit redundant, it is pretty much the same, Dusten and I would go out, we watched movies, went out, watched movies, etc....... So I will skip ahead a bit. I hope you don't mind.

We went to a concert one evening, and had an absolute blast. The whole night was just perfect. As we were leaving the concert, heading for the car, Dusten's phone rang. It was his ex, and she was pissed. They argued on the phone for a while, this was actually becoming a routine. She would call and make some crap up about how the other possible baby's father was threatening her, or that she couldn't live without him. Then we would hear that she was hanging out with the other possibility and telling him the same about Dusten. Pretty much she was just BSing until one of them caved and got back with her, either one, it apparently didn't matter which.  Even with all of the things about her I didn't like I still felt bad for her. The situation she had gotten herself into sucked. I didn't understand her, I didn't get how she could be so self righteous when it had been her that had messed up. I would, before it was all said and done.   Stay tuned for Part 4: Marriage

1 comment:

  1. Your story is so interesting. I bet it's theraputic to write it and get it out. Going to read part 4 now!


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